Antitrust Laws Break Up the PornHub Network, Ensuring Pornographic Equity

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Not pictured: nipples.
Photo by: Daniel Clinton

Teenagers, adults, and certain senior citizens were shocked last week as a
groundbreaking antitrust case, United States v. MindGeek USA Inc., finally reached a verdict, tearing apart the PornHub network. As a result, MindGeek was forced to break apart their network, including websites and studios such as YouPorn, RedTube, PornMD, GayTube, PornHub, Thumbzilla, Tube8, Brazzers,,, Reality Kings, Digital Playground, and many others. Of the websites, MindGeek chose to retain Tube8 as the CEO stated it had significant “personal meaning.”

The other domains were taken down and put on auction where bids reached hundreds of millions of dollars. In a move completely unexpected by most of the bidders, nearly all of the sites were bought by various anti-pornographic groups then promptly shut down.

Speaking on the behalf of “Catholics Against Pornography,” Gracie Dodd stated that people around the nation were “finally starting to use their heads when it comes to pornography.” Opponents of groups like Catholics Against Pornography have criticized the anti-porn movement for ruining a “perfectly regulated industry” and “dealing a heavy blow to job creation and potential business owners.”

Since the closure of most of PornHub network’s websites, riots have erupted in major cities across the globe. One of the rioters, who has requested anonymity, has been in the streets since the websites went offline. “What happens when you can’t find any porn? You go out and burn down some private property!” the rioter shouted, their face ecstatic, as they threw a molotov cocktail into an artisanal mayonnaise shop which “no-one would miss.”

The rioter paused to reflect as the flames roared in the background, stating: “It’s messed up that this is what it has to come to, but it’s only natural to want to burn down local businesses because you can’t relieve yourself. It’s just another way blow off steam, you know?”

Other citizens, such as Robert Walz who is a daily visitor of PornHub, have been going through severe withdrawal symptoms following the site’s closure. “I’ll be honest, the lawsuit has really thrown me off balance,” he said. “I would be out there rioting like everyone else, but I can’t stop shaking, and I’ve lost all sense of self. Pretty soon, I’m gonna be forced to buy a Playboy magazine in the local CVS like some sort of pervert or something.”

However, despite the fact that many adult stars are out of a job, many have spoken up and said that the websites’ closure might actually be a good thing. “There are a lot of women who get exploited pretty heavily in porn,” said Vickie Hirsch, a noteworthy adult star with Brazzers. “Not a whole lot of people know the full story, but it’s pretty messed up. There’s tons of assault and other nasty practices that go on behind closed doors. I hope that we can start to end the abuse that happens off camera and end the normalization of abuse that happens on camera.” Hirsch’s statement was, however, met with backlash as many fans just requested that she post videos of herself on Twitter.

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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