Anderson’s psychiatrist recommended he go on a vacation which, in layman’s terms, means “go fuck off somewhere else.”
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

Until late last Wednesday, local man Jeremiah Anderson was believed to have been suffering from seasonal depression. It wasn’t until further inspection by those close to him that Anderson was concluded to be experiencing “regular depression.” However, despite this revelation, Anderson remains resolute that he is only experiencing seasonal depression.

When asked by reporters what set off his seasonal depression, Anderson became agitated, saying that he “was not depressed because his wife ran away with another man, but in fact because it had rained on Tuesday.”

He further explained that he “did not care if Jessica and the kids were gone, he’d never really cared for them anyway, even if they had in fact left just before their anniversary without leaving a note, and yet taking with them all the food in the house.”

Despite this explanation, many close friends and relatives of Anderson voiced more concerns about his mental health now than they did before hearing it. When asked whether his depression was, in fact, “seasonal” or a simple result of his family abandoning him, Anderson seemed confused as he claimed that “the season of February is making me depressed, so of course I have a seasonal depression.”

After some friends suggested Anderson see his therapist, Baily Contrum, told reporters that Anderson sorely misunderstood what “seasonal depression meant.”

“Although Jeremiah truly attempted to describe his crippling depression in the best way he knew how, he seemed to have a very literal understanding of the actual meaning of ‘seasonal’ as he mistook a seasonal depression for a depression caused by his newfound hatred of the February season, typically associated with love and romance.”

Contrum also told reporters that she had to refer Anderson to an allergist because throughout his therapy session he had been wheezing and sneezing due to what Anderson referred to as “seasonal allergies.”

“I did all of the available tests on Jeremiah,” said George Fleetman, Anderson’s allergist. “And the results showed that his allergies seem to be triggered particularly by dust and dandruff. When I told this to Jeremiah, his eyes started to water and his face got puffy. I couldn’t really tell if he was crying or if his allergies were acting up, but either way he protested my professional opinion and stormed out of my office. If it wasn’t for the fact that he’d say he has ‘seasonal anger issues,’ I’d probably refer him to an anger management specialist.”

So, after all, perhaps Anderson was not enduring a seasonal depression, as it has been exposed in this report, but a simple depression. However, there may be a new case to uncover in Anderson’s health as he also claims to suffer from a serious case of “seasonal allergies.” These allergies seem to be triggered particularly by dust and dandruff, but Anderson allegedly defends their seasonal nature as dust and dandruff are not always present in his house but only “seasonally” when the house has not been cleaned.