Purell now also kills 99.9 percent of college students.
Photo by: Daniel Clinton
Earlier this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions issued a memorandum, encouraging law enforcement agencies to act according to new federal laws regarding the use of marijuana — even in states where its use has been legalized recreationally and/or medically. A few days later, Sessions released another memo which called for the complete removal of alcohol in all hand sanitizing products which, according to Sessions, “has been single-handedly contributing to the demise of American youth across this great nation.”
“Nice try dope heads,” read the memo, “No longer will your fiendish minds be numbed by the addictive substance — I hesitate to even utter its name — that has plagued our society for too long.” The drastic measure caught many by surprise, and in a mere 12 hours, hand sanitizers containing any trace of alcohol were pulled from
all shelves.
“The new administration whose entire existence relies on the cultivation and spread of conspiracy theories turned Sessions’ dream into reality,” explained political analyst Katherine Monty, “And his excitement can clearly be seen in the militaristic way the new law is being implemented.”
The Attorney General has been pushing for the ban since he first took public office as a U.S. Senator in 1997, but he faced considerable opposition prior to the appointment of the current administration.
“My grandmother is behind bars right now because she sneezed in line at the grocery store and pulled out her little bottle of hand sanitizer,” remarked Kelvin Klane, one of the many people that has expressed outrage at the
excessive use of force from law enforcement regarding the hand sanitizer ban. “She’s 85 years old and they put her in a choke hold for trying to clean her hands … it’s insane.”
Since the ban was
announced, microbiologists from around the world have weighed in on the
decision, expressing their contempt towards the ban. “I would personally sign a check to Mr. Sessions for one
million dollars if he could tell me one benefit of removing the key component to a
potentially life saving product,” commented a frustrated
virologist. “Does the man know how ineffective this product is without alcohol, and furthermore … does Mr. Sessions even know what a drug is?”
Sessions and the Trump Administration have ignored every warning and scientific study regarding the matter, claiming, “Alcohol being absorbed into the skin is a far greater threat than whatever disease you might catch.” This comment comes as a surprise to many as Sessions is a notorious germaphobe which then raised an entirely new question: Where is all this hand sanitizer going?
Allegedly, one of Sessions’s neighbors awoke early Monday morning to the sound of a large construction truck next door. He reportedly opened his back window to see a large gasoline tanker filling the Attorney General’s swimming pool with the recalled hand sanitizer.
“I heard this insanely loud beeping noise from some huge truck,” recalled the neighbor, “Then everything went silent for a little bit, and then this high pitched moaning started coming from Sessions’ side of the fence.” The neighbor went on to describe his horror upon seeing Sessions roll around in his swimming pool filled with sanitizer, wearing nothing but a tube top that read “Daddy’s Girl.”
Sessions’ sanitizer addiction was not kept quiet for long, and that afternoon the Attorney General attempted to put this story to rest by holding a press conference in which he sternly reassured the American people: “I did not have sexual relations with that antiseptic.”
Article by: Sam Leaman, Staff Writer
