Disney Announces Plan To Acquire Entire State of California

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

Disney’s first action after acquiring California was to rename “citizens” as “cast members.”
Photo by: Daniel Clinton

Late last night, Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, took the general public by surprise by tweeting that the company had started drafting plans to purchase the state of California.

“Rest assured, we’ve got extremely exciting plans,” Iger explained. “After we get through the openings of Pixar Pier and Star Wars land, we’ll really be able to put them into effect. I can tell you with confidence, though, that the first order of action will be to extend the Monorail up to Sacramento at its northernmost end and San Diego to the south. Depending on how much you would be willing to pay, you could ride in a car that supplies meals, plays ‘Frozen’ nonstop, or even has its own teacup ride inside the monorail car.”

Iger’s proposal would likely replace the still-stalled California High-Speed Rail project. He said that he saw this as an opportunity not only to extend the iconic Disneyland park attraction into the daily lives of ordinary citizens, but also to break into the public transportation business.

When asked why he wanted to replace a train that could run at up to 220 mph with the Monorail, which is only capable of reaching 30 mph, Iger said that it was all about the “experience.” Iger explained, “People love Disney! Besides, I’m sure that nobody will object to a 12-hour trip between Los Angeles and San Francisco if it’s aboard the Monorail experience.”

Responses to the company’s decision have been primarily negative, but the chief creative officer at Pixar Animation, John Lasseter, emerged from his sabbatical just to declare his wholehearted support of Iger’s decision.

“Just think about it,” Lasseter mused, embellishing the idea. “With the Monorail more accessible to a larger population, the possibilities are infinite. Just think, instead of having to park and take the bus or tram to the park, you could leave the evening before, sleep on the Monorail, and wake up in the park! How cool is that? Red-eye rail!”

However, most of the general public seems to think otherwise. According to a Strawpoll created by user “ihatedisney89748932,” 5435 out of 6574 respondents indicated that they absolutely despised the idea. The remaining 1139 said that they disliked the idea.

“I’m absolutely disgusted with their greed. Disney used to have my utmost respect, but after they purchased Marvel, I haven’t been able to support them. How could they do that? How could they group the Avengers together with Goofy? I’m finished and fed up with them,” reported an angry annual passholder.

“I never thought I’d say this,” groaned San Jose resident Jiexi Wang, “But driving the I-5 for my weekend trips to Disneyland seems like a good idea.”
While the massive extensions to the Monorail seem to be Iger’s proudest proposal, he has leaked other propositions, including the introduction of self-driving Autopia cars, apartment complexes themed around Disney movies, and a Matterhorn-esque ride that would take riders up and down Half Dome in Yosemite National Park. He even admits that he wants to make it a law that all members of the state legislature cosplay as Disney characters while in session.

“I just want to remind everyone that this is not Disney trying to take over California or anything,” Iger added, “But wouldn’t it be sort of neat if we did?”

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