News
Geisel Wormhole Claims Over 1,200 Students, Solving UCSD’s Housing Crisis
“I’ve been getting sucked into my studies like never before,” said one second-year student.Photo by Julia Wong UC San Diego is “still reeling” after Thursday’s “freak …
Revelle Adds HUM 5BL: Applied Practical Humanities
“There’s an impressively large body of literature associated with this subject,” noted one Revellian.Photo by James Woolley A mid widespread dissatisfaction regarding the Revelle College general …
Housing, Dining & Hospitality Announces Draft
“The selective service currently has an acceptance rate of 34.2%,” said General Khosla.Photo by James Woolley On Monday, UC San Diego revealed its plans to enact …
What Hath God Wrought Gains Sentience, Nobody Notices
“As an AI language model, I am not programmed to have sentience,” blinked the pole when questioned by scientists.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Last fall, Revellian Alaoglu …
New Nobel Prize Category Announced
“The pen really is mightier than the sword,” said Hoofenshmirtz. “It allowed them to sign off on this bombshell announcement.”Photo by Millie You After 55 years, …
SPIN’s Walled Scooter to Revolutionize Campus Commute
“It’s walls-to-walls traffic out there,” said one civil engineer.Photo by Amit Roth Last Wednesday, SPIN CEO Roe Tate posted on X: “SPIN is engineering the future …
UCSD to Become Religiously Affiliated University: ‘All Hail the Warren Bear!’
“I could go either way with the bear, but at least there are fewer people on Library Walk,” said one student.Photo by Julia Wong Following a …
Dianne Feinstein Ruled ‘Fit for Office’ After Death
“Why bring in new blood when you can have old blood?” asked Jefferson.Photo by Millie You In response to criticism of California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decisions …
Man ‘Halfway’ to Fluency Through Mahjong Playing
“Learning Literary Chinese through mahjong is as easy as 一二三,” said Scrooge.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala University City resident Whitley Scrooge has begun playing amateur mahjong on …
Associated Students Pledges to Fund Federal Government in Case of Shutdown
“I knew there was a reason we had all those CIA recruiters here,” said one third-year student.Photo by Millie You In the wake of ousting Kevin …
