News
UCSD Begs Students to Have More Sex
“I can’t believe our virginity rate is even higher than our acceptance rate!” said Dill Doe.Photo by Julia Wong Since its establishment, UC San Diego has …
Frasier Reboot Meets Expectations
“No man, woman, or child is going to be able to call me a fake Frasier fan,” said Kilometers.Photo by Amit Roth The first two episodes …
HDH Announces Tactical Operations to Track Down Missing Dining Hall Dishes
“I had like five bottles of liquor in my dorm room, but they ignored that to get to my dirty plate,” said one student.Photo by Julia …
Frosty the Snowman Pronounced Dead
“His heart thumpity-thump-thumped until it could thump-thump no more,” said one local child.Photo by Julia Wong Frosty the Snowman, a man made out of snow, was …
University Claims ‘The Creature Isn’t Our Problem’
“I spoke to The Creature and I thought he was a really nice guy,” said one UCSD administrator.Photo by Julia Wong Last Monday, UC San Diego …
UCSD to Convert Individual Parking Spaces Into ‘Housing Solutions’
“When I came back from my 8 a.m. class, some asshole had parked his Prius in my living room,” complained one resident.Photo by Amit Roth UC …
Conan O’Brien Returns as Sixth College’s Namesake
The Conan O’Fryin barbecue began with a Cannon O’Brien 21-gun salute.Photo by Amit Roth After more than 21 years of sticking “passive-aggressive” Post-it Notes to their …
2,300 Waitlisted Students to Be Housed in Open Pit on RIMAC Field
“I was born in the darkness. You were merely assigned it as a freshman,” said one fourth-year student.Photo by Amit Roth Earlier this week, it was …
UCSD Introduces Temu’s ‘Just Walk In’ Technology After Issues Arise With Amazon’s ‘Just Walk Out’
“It’s supposed to be ‘walk in,’ not ‘drag out,’” said one customer.Photo by Julia Wong Starting this fall, UC San Diego introduced a new way to …
New Nobel Prize Category Announced
“The pen really is mightier than the sword,” said Hoofenshmirtz. “It allowed them to sign off on this bombshell announcement.”Photo by Millie You After 55 years, …
