Volume 25 Issue 7
Bernie Sanders Expected to be Crucified and Resurrected in First Democratic Primary Debate
After three days, polling showed that Bernie Sanders’ popularity rose again.Photo by Jessica Ma As the first Democratic primary debate of the 2020 election season approaches, …
Sigma Chi Throws Party on Sinking Ship
Sigma Chi Throws Party on Sinking Ship Despite an inspection that revealed that the hull is rapidly filling with water, the Iota Chi chapter of Sigma …
Students Prepare for Annual End-of-the-Year Galbraith Book Burning
School officials later declared the book burning event a new part of the Stuart Art Collection and titled the piece: “Disco Inferno.” Photo by Jay Noonan …
Africa Vacation Allows Visitors to do the Things They Never Had
Africa Vacation Allows Visitors to do the Things They Never Had I was called to Africa by a force that I almost can’t describe — it’s …
H&M Mannequin Joins Democratic Primary Race
Trump has reportedly shared many concerns about the fact that candidate Robert Perrson was made in China.Photo by Jack Yang Robert Perrson, a mannequin from the …
Graduating Pre-Law Student Ready to Become Written into Law; No Longer Just a Bill on Capitol Hill
“What happens if I get vetoed? Do I die?” asked Brakelian when she was told she didn’t have the approval of President Trump. Photo by Jack …
Grocery Store Shut Down Due to Unsolicited Hand Holding Incident
Crass was later charged with destruction of evidence for washing his hands.Photo by Jack Yang “Smarts,” a local grocery store located in Youngtown, Arizona, has shut …
Starbucks Announces New Summer Frappuccinos To Retain Customers
One customer ordered their Cheeseburger Frappuccino with “no pickles, light whip.”Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot With summer approaching, the number of social media posts from millennials are …
Area Man Holds Unique Opinion on Abortion That Deserves to be Heard
“I even had to explain to the women what ‘man-splaining’ was,” said “Women’s Advocate” Charlie Miller. Photo by Stephen Lightfoot In response to the recent debate …
Firefighter Rescues Bird Stuck in Sky
“That ungrateful bastard went straight back up afterwards,” said the firefighter after the ordeal. Photo by Jack Yang Locals were relieved last Thursday to find that …
