Volume 24
Democrats Denounce Trump, Call for Preferred Authoritarian Leader
Congressional Democrats celebrated this month after two major political achievements in January. They succeeded in passing a bipartisan bill which will maintain the Bush-era practice of …
Lazy Area Reporter Wants To Tell You but He Really Can’t
Some time ago, area corporate worker Jane Doe traveled to Main Street, Downtown Anytown USA to do some things. On the scene, witnesses reported seeing Jane …
Eagles Fans Disappointed in Super Bowl Win: “We’ve Peaked”
This past Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl, beating the New England Patriots decisively 41-33. Local Philadelphians, after rioting and turning the Liberty …
Literal Shit Explodes Out of a Water Fountain at the EPA
President Donald Trump burst out of a water fountain at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) headquarters on Wednesday, causing mass alarm. Employees described the scene as …
Newborn Baby is Given 50-Word First Name
A baby born yesterday in Mayersville, Mississippi has been given an unprecedented 50-word name, Mary Anne Sue Beth Patsy Bertha Patty Debra Gertrude Sue Rachel Emily …
Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll
At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to …
New L’oreal Commercial Faces Backlash for Lack of Sex Appeal
Recently, L’Oreal released its new advertisement, attempting to sell the L’Oreal Active Bonding Mango Scent Anti-Dandruff Maximum Overdrive Hair and Body Wash and Moisturizer. Breaking formula, …
President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas
Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …
UCSD Instructor Advocates to Change the Name of Finals to “Beginnings”
UCSD art history professor Kathleen Doriente recently set up a GoFundMe in an effort to officially change finals week to “beginnings week.” In a recent interview …
Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash
In anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of …
