Volume 24 Issue 4
“Mona Lisa” Stolen, Replaced with Poor MS Paint Reproduction
The Louvre’s staff last week were struck by theft after realizing someone had exchanged da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” with a digitally fabricated replica. After careful inspection, …
Local Man Positive He Would Find Love If He Stopped Being a Piece of Shit
San Diego man Joe D. Foster has been searching for love for eight years, and has yet to find “the one.” He told reporters that he …
Area Gun Announces Bid for 2018 Elections, Shooting for Utah Senate Seat
On January 29, area gun Springfield XD-S announced its plan to campaign for the Utah Senate midterm elections, allegedly in response to Mitt Romney who had …
CEO Fired for Typing with Two Fingers
In the midst of the U.S. economy’s gradual resurgence, corporate hiccups amongst the nation’s top banks arrived in lieu of celebration. It has been recently announced …
Scientists Discover the Deal With Airline Food, Observational Comedians Rendered Useless
Over the past weekend, billion dollar research institution ONYXX published a report with the most recent findings of their five-year long investigation into the automation of …
CBS Greenlights New Series “Young Frasier”
In the wake of CBS’s smash success “Young Sheldon,” audiences should expect to “hear the blues a-callin again” as the network has confirmed its intention to …
Computer Science Department Gets New Lab, It’s Adorable
UCSD computer science students recently had a major positive change in their working environment with a new CSE lab added to the building, named Freddie. Reportedly, …
High Schools Nationwide Castrate Student Body as Part of a Sex Education Initiative
As part of a new sexual education initiative that went into effect on February 1st, school districts nationwide have started castrating students in high school. The …
Massive Earthquake Hits Pangea Parking Structure, New Lots Formed
At 10:39 p.m. on February 4, UC San Diego suffered a massive earthquake, reaching an 8.2 on the Richter Scale. University officials have stated that although …
Disney Announces Plan To Acquire Entire State of California
Late last night, Bob Iger, CEO of the Walt Disney Company, took the general public by surprise by tweeting that the company had started drafting plans …
