Local Man Positive He Would Find Love If He Stopped Being a Piece of Shit

Written by: Declan Sullivan

Not pictured: the five other women who had already declined Foster’s offer.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot

San Diego man Joe D. Foster has been searching for love for eight years, and has yet to find “the one.” He told reporters that he enjoys spending his time going to restaurants, refusing to accept Diet Pepsi as an alternative to Diet Coke, and speaking moderately loudly into a Bluetooth earpiece while standing in line at a Starbucks. He reported that despite how much he enjoyed these activities, “If I keep this shit up, there’s no way I’ll ever get a date.”

Late last week, Foster reported another failed date with a woman named Carla Moroney. Moroney agreed to speak to reporters, saying, “He took me to lunch at Taco Bell, except he just took us through the drive-thru and we ate as he drove me home,” said Moroney. “He also just wouldn’t shut up about someone named ‘Geraldine,’ who died when he was 15.”

When pressed about how the date went from his point of view, Foster conceded, “it could have gone a little better with what’s-her-name, but I think I’m finally able to move on from my Tamagotchi’s death.”

According to his friends, Foster’s social media accounts are no better, yet reflect his personality quite well. His Tinder profile features several pictures of himself hunting, his bio concluded with a Venmo username, his Twitter account is filled with conspiracy theory retweets, and a strange obsession with birth certificates and emails. Nobody has dared check Joe’s Snapchat, and many have cited their preference to keep it that way.

When Joe isn’t admiring his American flag flying out of the back of his pickup or knocking back his Super Male Vitality pills, he reported being stuck in a pit of loneliness. “I think I’m starting to understand why people don’t like me, and I want to change,” Foster confessed.

People close to Joe believe that he can be a better person than the character he puts out. Marie Foster, Foster’s mother, told reporters, “His demeanor may be lackluster, and although his opinions may be misinformed, his
talents shine bright! He loves to knit sweaters for his pet snake Kelly Anacondaway,” said Marie while holding up a small piece of fabric that read ‘Don’t Tread on Me.’ Another one of Foster’s past dates weighed in, saying, “Honestly, he’s got some great talents, it’s just that he’s a piece of shit.”

“I know what I need to do,” Foster said. “I need to change my lifestyle. I’ll go to hot yoga, I’ll go on juice cleanses, I’ll do anything, I just know that there is more to life than I am currently experiencing.”

Many of those close to Foster had hope after he came to this realization, although they told reporters that their hope quickly vanished when shortly after his epiphany he threw on his favorite fedora and proceeded to do donuts in the Vons parking lot.

Staff Writer at The MQ

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