“Observational comedy is dead and you killed it!” yelled Seinfeld at anyone who walked by.
Photo by: Jessica Ma
Over the past weekend, billion dollar research institution ONYXX
published a report with the most recent findings of their five-year long investigation into the automation of observational joke production. The president of ONYXX, James Moore, released the report which revealed that scientists have finally discovered the deal with airline food, thereby rendering observational comedians useless.
Researchers at ONYXX pinpointed the official deal with airline food as being related to how altitude affects your taste buds. Moore told reporters during a press release, “There was a linear relationship in the expanding logarithmic molar concentrations compared with taste hedonicity in relation to intensity ratings.” To explain it in terms of the newly perfected, automized Comedy Bot, “Basically the deal with airline food is that it tastes like my mother-in-law’s cooking. Badum-tss.”
Shortly after the report was published, the entertainment industry started its mass production of the Comedy Bot which gained notoriety for having the physical attributes of Chris Rock. The Comedy Bot is also equipped with jokes from comedy legends such as Jerry Seinfeld, Mel Brooks, Larry David, and other Jewish men. The Comedy Bot also has various joke settings; the more popular settings are “STORIES FROM ADOLESCENCE,”
“MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKES,” and “UNINFORMED POLITICAL COMMENTARY.”
Some comedy club owners couldn’t be happier with the recent findings. George Capalooza, owner of San Diego’s Chuckle Hut, told reporters that business has never been better. Capalooza said, “It’s so much better than those struggling college students who are trying to share their talents with the world. Maybe it’s because those kids remind the rest of us of our abandoned dreams. Anyway, the joke machine doohickey works fine. Yesterday, I accidentally pressed the ‘FOR MALE AUDIENCES ONLY’ button and it just told stories about all the women it would never date for an hour and a half. I gave it three and a half stars on Amazon.”
However, many comedy fans were unhappy with the report with some even disagreed with the findings. One local standup comedian, Jason Frigor, openly opposed the scientific solution to the age-old joke. “You can’t quantify the deal with airline food. You can’t measure the amount of joy a child feels when they hear that joke for the first time ever. You should have seen my expression after I had my first airline peanut. What was I saying? Oh yeah. You can’t attach a numerical value to the hours I have spent agonizing over the deal with airline food. Well, you could, but you’d be at it for a while.”
In response to the ONYXX report, Frigor launched his own national comedy tour called “Search for the Real Deal” in which Frigor will be appearing in 13 states to share his own perspective on the deal with airline food.
Although only 16 tickets in total have been purchased for his show, Frigor remains optimistic. “As long as airline food tastes like regurgitated beef jerky, comedians like me will be able to find work.”
For those who are interested in Frigor’s “Search for the Real Deal,” you can
purchase discounted tickets on reddit.com/r/redditbay with the code: FREETIX.
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