Briefs

Briefs

Hobby Lobby Makes Lobbying its Hobby

Written by: Mishelle Arakelian

The Oklahoma City headquarters of prominent evangelical arts and crafts corporation Hobby Lobby has ordered a surprising course change in the company’s direction, with the company …

Briefs

Headlines Found To Be Most Frequently Read Part of Article

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

In a surprising study, researchers have concluded that the most read part of news articles, regardless of their content, are headlines. The study also found that graphics …

Briefs

Study Finds Josh

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Area middle-aged slacker and unreliable reporter Josh finally decided to show his face again late Monday afternoon after missing a whole three weeks of work and …

Briefs

Area Man Loudly Announces He Will Spend Summer Vacation on Venus

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Last Tuesday, without any prompting, local student Chad Richardson loudly announced that he was going to go somewhere “new and exotic” over the summer break. Richardson …

Briefs

Upcoming 2018 Blue Wave Turns Out to Be a Tsunami

Written by: Steven Zhou

After extensively studying the recent voting trends, political scientists and climate scientists have concluded that the imminent “Blue Wave” in the upcoming elections is in fact …

Briefs

Metal Bands Rush to Site of Fire in Hopes of “Bitchin’ Photoshoot”

Written by: Barak Tzori

Tens of black-grunge and grind-crust metal bands flocked to the site of last week’s deadly Santee fire in hopes of capturing some “brutal” album covers. The …

Briefs

Local Woman Saves Trash for Art Project She Will Use “Later”

Written by: Daniel Clinton

Local woman Sarah Plehra was spotted Saturday picking up some trash. She claims she is “going to be able to use it in an art project.” …

Briefs

Busy Student Forced to Schedule Mental Breakdowns

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

After crying for five hours straight, ERC student Josie Lilian made the life-changing decision to add mental breakdowns to her already busy schedule. “As a student …

Briefs

Bottomless Pit Found Not to Be Bottomless

Written by: Hannah Rosenblatt

A small pebble was tossed into a large, seemingly bottomless pit early last week by third grade student Darius Macondo. The pebble has reportedly not yet …

Briefs

Research Shows Your Childhood Bullies Were Right

Written by: Daniel Clinton

New research released by the Psychological and Brain Science department at SDSU has revealed that your childhood bullies were right. The study conducted by Alex Bullebak …