Briefs
UCSD Fourth-Year Refuses To Admit She Has Peaked
“I’m embarrassed for myself,” admitted Hester Corduroy. “Even now, I feel like I’m half present — some part of me is looking on in complete disgust …
“Zoboomafoo” Reboot Casts Jerma as Iconic Lemur
“Zoboomafoo” Reboot Casts Jerma as Iconic Lemur The children’s classic Zoboomafoo by the Kratt brothers will be rebooted after its original reboot was canceled due to …
Bean Bag Shipments to Russia Halted in Support of Ukraine
Following the Russian Army’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, Mr. Charles Dawkins, CEO of the furniture company Crockery Farm, has announced that bean bag chairs will no …
Local Journalist Slammed for Using Snow Cones Instead of Snowclones
San Diego journalist Canderson Hooper has come under fire for bringing snow cones to work instead of writing “mindless drivel” through using snowclones. His boss, Calter …
Genentech Slated to Release Highly Anticipated “Human 2.0” Update
Next Thursday, the biotechnology giant Genentech is expected to release the “long-overdue” version 2.0 of Humanity. The update is said to contain many useful additions, alongside …
Self-Proclaimed “Main Character” Dies After Parachuteless Skydiving Attempt
Widespread panic was reported in a small suburb outside San Diego this weekend when a “flying, screaming man” fell out of the sky. Sources later confirmed …
Ukraine Moves Country to the Middle of Russia
On Tuesday morning, Russian farmers were surprised by the sight of the nation of Ukraine in their backyards, after Ukraine’s populace picked up their entire country …
Student Creates Hobbit-Hole out of Dorm Room, Lists it on Airbnb
Mackenzie Richards, a third-year mechanical engineering major and business minor, has transformed her dorm room in Rita Atkinson Residences into a Lord of the Rings -inspired …
One Dead and Three Injured in Emotionally-Charged Car Ride
“It was a bloodbath, emotionally speaking,” confided Orin Euphrate. “Technically no one died. It was more of a spiritual death than anything, with Constance being immediately …
Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCs
Paramount Halo TV Show to Include Intern OCS The first trailer for the Halo Paramount TV series released on January 29th to fans across the globe …
