Articles
Area Woman Has Thanksgiving with Family, Decides to Spend Christmas Alone
After spending the most thankful of holidays with family, Janette Spanette told reporters in a press conference that she’d rather spend Christmas alone. “Have you ever …
Local Sci-Fi Author “Overly Optimistic” about Technological Advances in Next 20 Years
San Diego science fiction author Mike Roberts announced on Monday the release of his next book, “Moon Colony: 2025.” The “science fiction masterpiece,” as it has …
The Walking Dead Kills Character, Asian Americans Lose Half of Representation
In the season seven premiere of zombie-apocalypse show, “The Walking Dead,” fan-favorite character Glenn Rhee was brutally killed. Rhee’s death was upsetting to the Asian-American community …
Undeclared Student Appeases Father, Finally Declares Miscommunications Major
Two weeks ago, formerly undeclared sophomore Jared Johnston “finally gave into both his father’s and UCSD’s wishes” and declared a major, choosing to pursue a B.A. …
Man Wakes from Worst Nightmare into Second Worst
Area man Zachary Zhou found himself in a cold sweat late Saturday night as he suddenly awakened from what he described as his “absolute worst nightmare.” …
Local Dog Wishes Owner Would Stop Looking at Glowing Rectangle and Pet Her
After walking herself to the dog park for the third time this week, local beagle Jennifer Pawrence told reporters that all she wants is for her …
Lesbian Researchers Discover Perfect Milkshake that Brings All the Girls to the Yard
After years of intense research, a newly-published lesbian-sponsored study has finally discovered a milkshake recipe which, in the research team’s own words, “brings all the girls …
UCSD Farmer’s Market Disappoints New Students, Has No Farmers for Sale
On Tuesday, UCSD’s first farmer’s market of the year occurred, leaving many first years saddened, horrified, and betrayed over the lack of farmers for sale. Many …
UCSD Students Continue to Argue They “Wouldn’t Have Gone to UCLA Even If They Got In”
This year has proven to be one of the most competitive years for college applicants, with a record number of applications for all University of California …
My Sincere Apology to the American People
Okay, so I know my most recent apology wasn’t that great, and I accept that. I am a big man, the biggest man, and I know …
