Articles
Local STEM School Reforms Anti-Bullying Policy to Focus on Nerd Perpetrators
“They make fun of me because I can’t prove Fermat’s Last Theorem,” said Toyle.Photo by Jay Noonan In an attempt to curb bullying tendencies, an elite STEM …
Gamers Encouraged to Vote with “Primary Ballot Any-Percent” Speedruns
Counting issues were later reported due to people clipping through the wrong parts of the ballot.Photo by Jack Yang With voter turnout expected to be extremely high …
I Love You vs. ty
Point: I Love You Salutations my fair maiden, Prithee, come to me, will you? I shan’t take too much of your time with this proposition of …
The Pole is the Worst Art Piece on Campus vs. ..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.– — ..-
Point: The Pole is the Worst Art piece on Campus At the end of my senior year of high school, I found myself facing one of …
Freshman Fails in Search for Crush’s Mysterious Boyfriend Who ‘Doesn’t go here’
Jacobs said, “If she has a boyfriend, then why does she keep popping up on my roommate’s Tinder?”Photo by Sharon Roth Joel Jacobs, a first year in …
Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”
Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.Photo by Silver Wallace In a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card …
Area Man Just Waiting for an Opportunity to Talk About the Horses Outside of PF Chang’s
“I don’t know who I am anymore without the horse” says Chou, when asked by officers to get off the horse.Photo by Jack Yang Local man Devin …
Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table
After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? …
Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes
Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”Photo by Jack Yang Five year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is …
Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans
One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …
