Articles
Anti-Vaxxers Reinvent Vaccines
“Phages hate this one trick,” said undergraduate research assistant Polly Merrace.Photo by Theo Erickson Meta user Michael Roechip has gained traction for a post that originally …
AI-based Boba Shop, ‘Cha GPTea,’ Starts Using Coffee Instead
“This binary barista doesn’t make my coffee as well as the non-binary barista did,” said former MOM’s patron Mx. Presso.Photo by Theo Erickson An artificial intelligence-based …
STOP Polluting Our Children’s Minds! vs. Hey, I Love That Show!
POINT: STOP Polluting Our Children’s Minds! Oh you liberals really did it this time. After months of nagging from the old lady to become more “involved” …
Ridge Walk Introduces FasTrak Lane
“And I… I took the Trak less traveled by,” said literature major Carol Quickley.Photo by Jordan Whitlow Starting in Fall 2025, UC San Diego will be …
Weather Forecast Now Shows Chances of CEO Assassination
“Wait, so does ‘20%’ mean 20% coverage of bullet rain, or that there’s a 20% chance of bullet rain?”asked Fawner.Photo by Dylan Schmidt After the assassination …
Donald Trump Steps Down to Become Whale Psychiatrist
“Please don’t use whale puns. They don’t like them. It’s not good for them,” said Trump.Photo by Jordan Whitlow After pardoning himself for “everything he had …
NFL Declares Hundred-Year Study on Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy
“My head hurts,” said one player.Photo by Amit Roth Last week, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a new initiative aimed at understanding the long-term …
Elon Musk Takes Place as First Gentleman
“Trump keeps calling himself a coal-powered power bottom,” said a White House staff member.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Two weeks ago, the United States presidential inauguration marked …
Zombie Apocalypse Bankrupts Funeral Industry
“The zombies are to pay taxes,” announced Gavin Newsom in an executive order.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Between the recent zombie apocalypse and the subsequent chaos of …
SSA Declares Nobody Disabled
Instead of sending rejection letters, the OSD has reportedly begun sending out notices recommending that applicants “try putting Vicks on it.”Photo by Amit Roth The Social …
