News
New Tech Startup “Pomme” on Track to Surpass Apple
There may soon be a different company named after a fruit controlling Silicon Valley. As the third quarter of 2018 begins to wind down, a new smartphone …
UCSD Professor Reluctant to Go Back to Class Because of “All Those Lame Freshies”
UCSD Mathematics Professor Ralph P. Olson recently expressed that he shares the “dread” of going back to school this fall with his students, mainly because of …
“Fuck It, There’s No God,” Says Pope in Surprising Press Conference
In an attempt at “retribution for those who take ‘Jesus, take the wheel’ too far,” Pope Francis led a six hour surprise press conference in Vatican …
World’s Oldest Fly Dies at 43 (Days)
A house fly famous in the La Jolla area for its longevity has recently passed away in UCSD student Richard Liu’s bathroom. The fly, affectionately named …
Poll Reports 75 Percent of Millennials Would Vote for Corpse of Bernie Sanders in 2020
CNN released a poll on Wednesday, September 12, finding that 75 percent of millenials are willing to vote for the corpse of Bernie Sanders in the …
HDH Replaces Dining Hall Meals With Dog Food, Students Deem It an Improvement
Last Friday night, HDH announced via email that it will change all dining hall food options to dog food varieties starting Fall Quarter 2018, citing student …
Professors Prepare To Return to Void for Summer
UC San Diego professors prepare to return to the void as the Spring 2018 quarter draws to a close. Professors who aren’t teaching during the Summer …
Sun Given a One-Star Yelp Review by NASA Astronomers
Once thought to be the hottest spot in the Solar System, the Sun recently received a shockingly low one-star Yelp review from NASA astronomers. Their reasoning …
ICE Raids Funeral, Asks Deceased for Identification
A new border security policy has gone into effect nationwide, as Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents conduct searches of the funerals of deceased immigrants believed …
Police Continue Extensive Manhunt for Area Woman Who Stole Eight Dollars Worth of Lip Gloss
Local law enforcement is conducting a high-priority search for UCSD student Helena Logan, who was witnessed stealing eight dollars worth of lip gloss from a local …
