“Damn you, Sun! First you melt the ice caps, then you melt my ice cream,” said the reviewer.
Photo by: Jessica Ma
Once thought to be the hottest spot in the Solar System, the Sun recently received a shockingly low one-star Yelp review from NASA astronomers. Their reasoning was purely of scientific interpretation, as noted by Dr. Celeste Teal “Our Sun is a single star. One star. It would be a farce for NASA to provide it credit where it is not due.”
For several millennia, the Sun has been revered by humans for its energy, from allowing crops to grow to giving light for humans to going about daily life. It has spawned many a tradition around the world, especially during summer solstices, of which many cultures celebrate as a time of good harvest. With this one-star review, locals within the Solar System are noticeably concerned over this precipitous drop in quality of the 4.6 billion-year-old gas orb, and what it means for the future of human civilization.
“I’m an avid Yelp user,” says Don Reed, a concerned 26-year-old resident of Earth, “and I’ve been using the Sun ever since I was born. Never have I once had a problem with it, so this review is surprising.” When asked if he would continue to use the Sun, Reed expressed discomfort with the idea, and is now contemplating using geothermal or lunar energy instead. “It needs to up its game. Otherwise, everyone’s going to leave.”
Despite Reed’s concerns, older generations are more optimistic about the future of the Sun’s reputation. A group of elderly San Diegan gardeners recently started the trending “#firssunspot” on Instagram, which they use as a platform to share pictures of the first sunspot their skin had suffered from years of Sun exposure and damage, and to tell the story behind where they got it. One account holder’s photo, featuring a sizable sunspot on the subject’s forearm, was liked over 100 times and included the caption: “How quickly the young ones grow! @thesun blessed me with this spot 26 years ago, and it keeps getting bigger every year.” They hope by sharing these experiences on a youthful social media platform, they can slowly rebuild the Sun’s deteriorating reputation. Reception on the other side has been fairly mixed, with some grandchildren of these Instagrammers reporting they had arranged for their grandparents’ appointments with oncologists out of concern that they had unknowingly developed skin cancer.
Despite this review from NASA, a representative for the Sun has made it clear that there will not be any changes in how the mega-provider of energy will be run. “There is literally no way we can change the process of nuclear fusion. You can ‘Yelp’ all you want about the Sun, but you can’t change how an enormous ball of flame functions.” The representative also pointed out the billions of humans that the Sun supports at no cost whatsoever. Once reporters switched subjects and began asking about the Sun’s alleged involvement in completely destroying the planet Venus’s stable atmosphere, the representative refused to comment, and asked for more questions about “the Yelp business.”
Currently, the Sun has not shown any conspicuous drop in usage from Earth. Wall Street economist Jane Henderson finds this unsurprising and is confident this Yelp review will not lead to a decline in people selecting the Sun as an energy source. “We really have no choice. Unless a majority of us decide to live in Kansas and invest in a windmill, we’re all bound by the Sun’s monopoly over the natural energy industry.”
Currently, the Sun has not shown any conspicuous drop in usage from Earth. Wall Street economist Jane Henderson finds this unsurprising and is confident this Yelp review will not lead to a decline in people selecting the Sun as an energy source. “We really have no choice. Unless a majority of us decide to live in Kansas and invest in a windmill, we’re all bound by the Sun’s monopoly over the natural energy industry.”
Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.
