News
Geisel Renovation to Include New Crying Booths in Response to Rising Mental Health Concerns
Pitt said, “This whole time, I thought CBT stood for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Now I know it stands for Crying Booth Treatment.”Photo by Julia Wong Throughout …
Study Finds New Sixth College Students Don’t Know How Good They Have It
One spectator commented, “Wow, this feels like the third installment in a trilogy. I wonder if I could go onto TheMQ.org and find the prequels.”Photo by …
UCSD Cracks Down on Students Squatting in Unfinished Eighth College
“The swaying of the building in the night wind rocks right me to sleep,” Snak commented.Photo by Julia Wong For many universities across America, the end …
Sunny G Found Wearing CAPEs
“I’m beginning to suspect that Sunny G might be Sun God,” one student said.Photo by Julia Wong Earlier this week on Sun God lawn, Sunny G …
The U.S. to Start Broadcasting All Court Proceedings Following Popularity of Heard-Depp Trial
One attorney concluded, “I rest my case, just like I rest on this MyPillow.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the White House announced a new executive …
Mother Nature Dramatically Misunderstands the Assignment, Starts Giving Out Lemmings
One customer said, “I bit into a lemon and was horrified to find out that it was actually a small rodent. It’s a horrible moral delemming.”Photo …
Snake Path Comes to Life, Eats Anyone in Its Path
“This is not like the Rainforest Cafe,” Helpani attested.Photo by Julia Wong After an intense thunderstorm over San Diego, an ancient creature previously residing within Snake …
SDPD Uncovers Cannibal Cult
“I don’t need a vaccine to protect me; I have diamond armor,” wrote @fathogjones on Twitter.Photo by Sharon Roth On Sunday, May 29, a squad of …
UCSD Unveils Limited Number of Singularity Dorms to House Infinite Students in One Room
Plans to create more singularity housing failed when two dorms merged into one supermassive housing unit.Photo by Sharon Roth During a press conference earlier this week, …
Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”
“I was really worried and uncertain for my future,” began one student. “But after reading this speech, I’m reassured that I’m definitely screwed.”Photo by Maria Dhilla …
