News
HDH Changes Menu Following FDA Crackdown
“I still get food poisoning, but now I know exactly why,” said one student.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Triton2Go Mobile Order app has long been a …
DEA Updates Official Classification of Marijuana: ‘It’s Just a Plant, Bro’
“I’m almost as high as the defense budget,” said one DEA agent.Photo by Dylan Schmidt In a press release this morning, the US Drug Enforcement Administration …
Students Found to Use Pythagorean Theorem Daily
“I thought trigonometry would be just as fun as the Pythagorean theorem, but it was just SOH-SOH,” said Abby Tuse.Photo by Amit Roth A recent poll …
UCLA Invites Dick Cheney for Commencement Speech
“I heard Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War,” said Al Gore. “Ain’t that an inconvenient truth?”Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Two former vice presidents will …
Tennessee Students to Start Concealed Carrying
“I knew violent video games would come in handy one day,” said one student.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Just five days after Governor Rick Les Stu Pidity …
Students to Graduate
“It’s great commencement is outside the unemployment office. Really saves time on my commute,” said graduating student Onion Ployable.Photo by Erica Rosslee and Jordan Whitlow After …
Family of Four Moves Next to Bomb Factory, Surprised by Frequent Explosions
“When the realtor said the deal was dynamite, I assumed they meant the price!” said Suzie Smith.Photo by Jordan Whitlow The newly moved-in Smith family was …
‘Exceptionally Joyous’ American Makes US Happiest Country in the World
“They’re a glass full kinda guy,” said Chidi Pea.Photo by Destiney Friday After years of substandard rankings, the United States was ranked as the world’s happiest …
UCSD Construction Cranes Named New Official Mascot
“The future of our school mascot is up in the air — 265 feet, to be exact,” said Douglas Upton.Photo by Kai Nguyen The Stuart Art …
Alabama Embryologists Adopt 873 Children
“Embryo #405 has great aspirations to become a teacher,” said Abbie Maker.Photo by Amit Roth Following the recent controversial ruling by Alabama’s Supreme Court, all frozen …
