Local
L.A. Continues Tradition of Hosting Olympics During Worldwide Political Turmoil
On September 14, Los Angeles was officially named the host of the 2028 Olympic Games, with Paris being awarded the 2024 Olympics hostship at the same …
Study Finds You’re All a Bunch of Snot-Nosed Hobgoblins
This grammatically correct and scientifically factual address goes out to all the illiterate punks in CHEM 40A. Before I reveal the findings of this week-long experiment, …
“TIME” Names “Tasty” Videos as Person of the Year, Called “The Voice of a Generation”
Last Wednesday, “TIME” Magazine named Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page as “Person of the Year,” two months before “TIME” typically announces their winner. “Every year, we bestow the …
Local Snitch Did Not Get Stitches, Bled Out on the Floor
Early Friday night, Max Hildako, 26, was found unconscious in his San Diego apartment. Hildako was pronounced dead at the scene at 8:03 p.m. by paramedics. …
Area Men in “Stall Standoff” as Both Refuse to Poop Until the Other Leaves Restroom
After five days of awkward coughing, sneaker squeaking, and forced grunts, area men Chris Matthews and Matt Chrishews have stood their ground in what the locals …
Area Yuppie’s Parents Unable to Pay Bills or Convince Son to “Help out a Bit”
Charles Crosby and Abigail Johnson, parents of young urban professional Edward Crosby-Johnson, received their third late billing notice from Bethesda Naval Hospital on Thursday. Their inability …
Bystander-Performed Surgery Not Completely Fatal, Proves Non-Necessity of Healthcare
San Diego local Marc Lehman was reported as “still mostly alive” after suffering a severe car crash in early May. Lehman’s survival is being hailed by …
Area Mom Excited to See Son, Area Student Excited to See PlayStation 4
The school year is ending soon, and many parents are getting excited at the thought of their children coming back home. Area mom Caitlyn Lettie is …
Area Woman “Woulda, Coulda, but Definitely Shouldn’tva”
Local woman Vanessa Mræl intended to perform an action, had the capacity to perform that action, but decided judiciously that performing such an action was a …
Area Woman Petitions for Overseas Siblings to Become U.S. Citizens, Excited to Reunite in Two Decades
San Diego resident Minda Bennett recently completed the process for petitioning her two older siblings, Jose and Mellie Edualino, to join her in the U.S. Given …
