Early Friday night, Max Hildako, 26, was found unconscious in his San Diego apartment. Hildako was pronounced dead at the scene at 8:03 p.m. by paramedics. An autopsy determined the cause of death to be a combination of blood loss and “being a fucking snitch.”
Hildako was a well know snitch, and had already received stitches once this month for telling on a fourth-grader who cheated on their state capital test. Luckily, the fourth-grader was able to provide an airtight alibi in the form of a shaky recording of them picking grass during of a youth soccer match.
After Hildako’s death, his parents explained how he came to be a snitch. “Max lived a difficult life, always feeling the need to tell on those around him. In preschool he had trouble making friends because he immediately
relayed to the teacher anything the other students said to him. He single-handedly ruined 13 surprise birthday parties.”
The circumstances of Hildako’s death indicated foul play, but investigators have had trouble narrowing down a culprit. At least 150 people have filed a formal snitch request against Hildako in an attempt to get him stitches.
“It’s a real tragedy when the values we teach our kids don’t pan out in the real world,” said formal snitch and stitch expert Jenny Puntada. “Since I was young enough to snitch, my parents have always reminded me that snitches get stitches. But where were Max Hildako’s stitches? Why do our core values seem to fall apart when it is convenient? Snitches have a right, not a privilege, for stitches.”
The first suspect the police interviewed was Rebecca Bil, who Hildako had crossed when he told a meter maid that Bil’s meter had run out of time.
“Of course I wanted to kill that son of a bitch. Who rats on someone like that?” commented Bil. “But he should have gotten stitches. He didn’t deserve to slowly bleed out on the floor like the goddamn rat he is. The moral fiber in this country is slipping every year. Snitches get stitches. First is worse and second is the best, like it always has been.”
The old adage “Snitches get stitches” has come under fire in recent years for its pro-snitch viewpoint. California and New Jersey state senates have both passed bills protecting the rights of those who have been snitched on, though pro-snitch activists were angered by the lack of a clause requiring
mandatory stitches to be given to snitches.
By the time of this article’s publishing, no one has been arrested for the lack of stitches given to Max Hildako. Police said that if anyone has any information about the case that “you can keep it to yourself, you goddamn snitch.”