Briefs
Professor Bans Phones to Prevent Students From Watching Sex Tape
UCSD professor Hartman Brody banned phones in his classroom out of fear that his students were watching his sex tape. Brody was reportedly having an affair …
Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America
Coronavirus Outbreak Thrills White America With news of the entire city of Wuhan being quarantined, fears of a global outbreak of Novel Coronavirus has been expressed …
UCSD Chancellor Offers Use of Driveway for Student Parking During Construction
In response to the parking crisis impacting UCSD students, Chancellor Khosla has offered the use of his estate’s driveway for parking until construction ends sometime this …
Here Comes the Son Offers a Comfortable Stay for Expecting Mothers
e been waiting to visit and review the Here Comes the Son maternity ward. When I got pregnant with my second child, I knew I would …
Area Man Pregames All Year for New Year’s Eve Party
Last night, The Drunken Seagull regular Iain McCarthy was found passed out on the sidewalk next to the bar in preparation for even more alcohol consumption …
NEW TREND SEES PRO-RIGHT THROWING AWAY LEFT TWIX
Francis Peterson, a political commentator and blogger, is the source of a new nationwide trend that has pro-right activists boycotting Mars’ well-known candy bar, Twix. “At …
Walmart to Offer Customers 50 Percent Off During an Active Shooting
After facing stagnating sale numbers during active shootings, Walmart has started a new policy that offers customers a 50 percent discount during any in-store shooting. This …
Area Teen upset After being forced to place Presents at Midnight
Local high school student Sam Mower was asked by his parents to place presents for his sibling underneath the tree at midnight on Christmas Day. Mower …
Area Student Surprised They Failed a Class They Never Attended
Last Sunday, area student Levi Schreiber voiced her surprise after going on to TritonEd and seeing that her grade was a 62 percent. “It’s incredible!” Levi …
Area Bus Driver Who Drove Away From Stop Definitely Saw Student Running to Catch Up
Commuter student Ralph Payne was left desolate when they purportedly saw the bus driver in the mirror giving them ‘the bird,’ as they ran to catch …
