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NFL Releases Collaborative Script for New Season

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art — oh, shit, wrong play,” said Kenny Pickett.Photo by Amit Roth In a series of advertisements designed to raise excitement for …

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Eighth College Mandates Construction GE Beginning Fall Quarter

Written by: Kita Barrientos

“I heard this was a really easy class,” said one Eighth College student, “but the hats are so hard.”Photo by Sharon Roth and Connor Betterly In …

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UCSD Cuts Costs by Hiring Giant Eyeball to Proctor Exams

Written by: Alberto Ruiz

“It’s a lie,” said one student. “If someone dies during the test, you don’t automatically get an A.”Photo by Amit Roth As students walk into their …

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UCSD Biology Debuts Discussion Sections with 300 Students

Written by: James Woolley

“Let’s get that kiss cam goin’!” exclaimed one student.Photo by Sharon Roth The Epstein Family Amphitheater hosted the Department of Biological Sciences’ Shame ’n’ Sack Showdown …

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MLB Hires Striking TV Show Writers

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“I’m gonna be great at this whole baseball thing,” said one writer. “I’ve already nailed my opening pitch.”Photo by Jacob King and Maria Dhilla Shortly after …

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Pluto Violates Subscription Terms, Loses Planetary Status

Written by: Madeline Mozafari

“They ripped me off,” said Jupiter. “I paid for a whole year’s subscription, but they only gave me 365 days.”Photo by Julia Wong When Pluto first …

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New LinkedIn Jobs Update Released: LinkedIn Cogs

Written by: Isabelle Mckelvey

“I preferred getting ghosted,” said one LinkedIn Cogs user. “At least I could be righteously angry about that.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Last week, in response to …

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What Hath God Wrought Has Been Spelling Out Something Else This Entire Time

Written by: Amit Roth

“I figured out the first piece of the puzzle,” said one What Hath God Hidden member. “They’re using Morse code.”Photo by Amit Roth Recent controversy has …

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UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike vs. It’s the Year 2040

Written by: Romella Sagatelian

Point: UCSD Is Honoring the Contract from the 2022 Strike I have kindly decided to honor the tentative agreement from the 2022 strike. UC San Diego …

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Famous Star Canceled for Creating Nuclear Power Plant

Written by: Sharon Roth

“Getting a chance to sit down and talk with the Sun was enlightening,” said one journalist. “They’re not as bright as they seem.”Photo by Sharon Roth …