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Congress Passes Bill Banning Women from Aging

Written by: Erica Rosslee

“Finally, some peace and quiet,” said Mitch McConnell.Photo by Theo Erickson Despite a 75-hour Senate filibuster and a bipartisan coalition against it, Congress succeeded in passing …

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I Bet I Could Do Olympic Gymnastics if I Really, Really Wanted To

Written by: Naomika Nadkarni

Another year goes by and another round of Olympic Games has come and gone, and all these damn kids online keep raving about these damn Olympic …

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‘The Astronauts Are Fine,’ Says Boeing

Written by: Annelise McCullough

“Day two hundred and seventy-one. Atlas shrugged,” read one astronaut’s logs.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A month after announcing that the Boeing Starliner astronauts will remain in …

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Satan Attracts America With ‘Eternal Suffering Healthcare Plan’

Written by: Ren Wallace

“I’ve always thought that the Hippocratic Oath was really up to interpretation,” said Satan.Photo by Dylan Schmidt W ith the dissolution of the Affordable Care Act, …

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I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 vs. Who Actually Needs 24 Hours to Study Anyway?

Written by: Dylan Towner

POINT: I NEED the Library to Be Open 24/7 I’d like to start off by saying that Geisel is my favorite study spot. Come midterms and …

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Trump Solves Twelfth Major Crisis of the Week

Written by: Farhad Taraporevala

“Crisis is my middle name. My name is Donald Crisis Trump,” said Donald Crisis Trump.Photo by Liv Gilbert On September 22, Donald Trump held his twelfth …

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Screw All of You: A Manifesto

Written by: Destiney Friday

I was sitting by my Victorian-style windowsill, indulging in my most recent summer read — Lolita, for the complex historical perspectives — when I heard the …

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Peaceful Protest Declared Unlawful

Written by: The MQ

“Above all, UC San Diego prides itself on nurturing the health and well-being of our grass,” said Chancellor Khosla.Photo by Liv Gilbert On May 6, Chancellor …

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Race Tightens for Annual Vanity Giving Contest

Written by: Jackson Conte

“Putting my name on buildings is basically retail therapy,” said Irwin Jacobs.Photo by Amit Roth Tense negotiations are underway regarding the naming rights for UC San …

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UC San Diego School of Medicine to Teach ‘Intro to Victim Blaming’

Written by: Sophie Pubb

“There’s a shortage of doctors in this country. This course will ensure an equivalent shortage of patients,” said Dr. Quickity Quack.Photo by Amit Roth and Farhad …