Articles
Local Student Swears Next Quarter Will Be Better for 12th Quarter in a Row
On Thursday, area cognitive science major Gwen Bradford said that “surely next quarter I’ll get my shit together,” following a quarter of unmet goals and unimpressive …
Mexican Workers Imported by Trump to Build the Wall Flee Across the Country
To the surprise of many Americans, President Trump has recently allowed 3,000 Mexican workers into the United States to fulfill his campaign promise to build a …
Professor Unable to Connect to Projector, Unable to Lecture
Last Monday, David Queology, a professor at UCSD, told reporters that he completely lost his ability to lecture that morning due to irreparable technical difficulties. Queology …
Local Comedian Sure This Joke Will Make Trump Resign
Local stand-up comedian Ashley Morrison wrote a new joke last Friday, which sources say is sure to force Trump to resign. Sources claimed that the joke …
James Cameron to Film All Four “Avatar” Sequels in One Take
Director James Cameron has announced today that not only will he film all four “Avatar” sequels back to back starting this summer, but he will also …
Spicer Reveals T.V. to Be Just Two Interns With Sock Puppets
An anonymous White House spokesperson for the White House spokesperson revealed to the media this week that the television in the office of U.S. Press Secretary …
Area Woman Petitions for Overseas Siblings to Become U.S. Citizens, Excited to Reunite in Two Decades
San Diego resident Minda Bennett recently completed the process for petitioning her two older siblings, Jose and Mellie Edualino, to join her in the U.S. Given …
Penis Cakes
Point: I’m Really Getting Tired of Penis Cakes at Bachelorette Parties Look here, lady. I’ve seen penis cakes before. I’ve been to so many bachelorette parties …
Clerical Error Results in Dog Being Neutralized
Scientists everywhere were shocked late last week when veterinarians at a PetSmart in Bakersfield were able to successfully neutralize a dog. The first operation of its …
Liberals Call for ‘Full Commitment’ in National Celebration of Ides of March
During such political and social turmoil, many liberals are appealing to classical works and traditions in order to find peace and purpose. This year, liberal leadership …
