Police Investigate UCSD, Still Unsure If Arsons Were Crime or Civic Duty

Written by: Jay Noonan

What was originally believed to be a vigil for the coffee cart turned out to be a content group of students roasting hot dogs and kumbaya-ing.
Photo by: Daniel Clinton

On the morning of April 17, UCSD students awoke to learn that four of the Fairbanks coffee carts had gone up in flames in a coordinated act of arson. Police began an investigation while trying to contain the “chaos that erupted on campus” due to students suddenly being without their usual dose of caffeine. Many were seen trying to salvage the remaining coffee grounds from the ashes before being shooed away by police. Many students had mixed feelings.

“Technically this is beneficial for the university,” noted the chief of police, “since it will increase revenue for the markets. Maybe the arsonist really thought they were helping.”

“Are you telling me I need to buy my daily 16 oz caramel macchiatos with a double shot of espresso from the markets like some kind of savage?!” complained Steven Goldberg, a fourth year engineering major from Warren. “I thought that once I moved off campus, I’d never have to go back to that ghost town they call ‘Earl’s Place’ ever again.”

“I mean, it’s just a coffee cart,” claimed Robert Afton, a first year. “It’s not like that’s the only place on campus where you can get coffee. Just go to the markets and use Dining Dollars. It’s not like it’s real money anyway. I mean, I’m down to about 20 dollars, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

While the police are still stunned, an anonymous student has reportedly, after careful examination of some more obscure regulations, proposed a possible motive.

“It’s simple, you see. The term ‘pass by catastrophe’ guarantees that, if the university is burned down or otherwise destroyed, all current students graduate with a bachelor’s,” they began, the faint smell of gasoline wafting off their clothes. “I’m not saying that I’d go as far as burning down some coffee carts just to avoid debt, but come on, who wouldn’t?”

Within a few hours of proposing the idea and a few posts to the UCSD meme page, most other students seemed on board with this idea. There were reports of engineering students and biochemistry students joining forces to design some sort of chemical bomb. However, not all students seemed thrilled with the proposed idea, including Goldberg.

“I’m a fourth year, I’ve already paid all of my tuition! How does this help me at all? I’m just saying, whoever did this has no concept of common decency. Coffee is sacred, it’s the lifeblood of a college student … ” He trailed off, staring at nothing in particular. “My lifeblood … ”

Editor-in-Chief at The MQ

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