Articles
Sunshine Market Maximizes Convenience by Abolishing the Illusion of Choice
“I tried to take the bell pepper out of my basket, and three store employees tackled me,” said shopper Anne Flaxis. “I’m allergic!”Photo by Liv Gilbert …
Trump Solves Twelfth Major Crisis of the Week
“Crisis is my middle name. My name is Donald Crisis Trump,” said Donald Crisis Trump.Photo by Liv Gilbert On September 22, Donald Trump held his twelfth …
Screw All of You: A Manifesto
I was sitting by my Victorian-style windowsill, indulging in my most recent summer read — Lolita, for the complex historical perspectives — when I heard the …
UCSD to Acquire UTC
“Finally, another place I can spend this useless currency,” said third-year student Darlene Davidson.Photo by Liv Gilbert I n a sudden announcement affecting students, faculty, and …
Art Scheme Exposed After ‘Silliest’ Turn of Events
“A picture is worth a thousand words, but this one wasn’t worth my time,” said Buadgui.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A new video surfaced on TikTok last …
Scientists Discover Where the Time Goes
“Quick, get a bucket; all our time is running down the drain!” exclaimed one scientist.Photo by Amit Roth In an article published in Nature, physicists Herbert …
SDPD Union Asks Public to ‘Stop Being Mean’
“Oh my god, an explosion! I wonder whose job it is to take care of that,” said one officer.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Last week, SDPD union …
Median Voter Found
“Nobody’s really asked me how I’ve felt about all this, and I don’t really know either,” said Kevin Clerkson.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In the tightly contested …
UC Regents Bans Students from Campuses
“ ,” said .Photo by Farhad Taraporevala In response to the numerous student protests that have heavily impacted the University of California system, the Regents of …
UCSD to Ban Witch Trials
“I hope this isn’t just a complicated spell the witches are casting,” said one student as they watched a pile of torches and pitchforks burn.Photo by …
