News
Title of Khosla’s Leaked 2022 Commencement Address: “Good Luck LMAO”
“I was really worried and uncertain for my future,” began one student. “But after reading this speech, I’m reassured that I’m definitely screwed.”Photo by Maria Dhilla …
Jeff Bezos Releases Best-selling Novel, “If You Give a Minimum Wage Worker Respect”
Bezos is slated to release a sequel next year, titled If You Give Your Wife Respect.Photo by James Woolley Last Wednesday, former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos …
Student Accidentally Brings All the Sand From the Beach Home With Them
After being investigated for sand theft, De Brie said, “There’s nothing more I can do — my hands are tide.”Photo by Sharon Roth Student Roxanne De …
Suburban Lawn Care Association Mandates Biodiversity Training
Michaels declared, “Finally, the reign of grass is clover!”Photo by Sharon Roth Burt Lopez, co-chair of the La Jolla Lawn Care Association and owner of the …
Chancellor Khosla Sleeps Through Campus Abortion Rights Protest
“Sleep is for the weak. Thankfully, it’s Thursday,” said Khosla.Photo by Sharon Roth In light of the leaked draft opinion on Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health, …
Mother Nature Dramatically Misunderstands the Assignment, Starts Giving Out Lemmings
One customer said, “I bit into a lemon and was horrified to find out that it was actually a small rodent. It’s a horrible moral delemming.”Photo …
Cutting-Edge Computer Virus Sweeps Through Campus
“This would be a beautiful sight if my essay wasn’t on that computer,” one student commented.Photo By Maria Dhilla On Thursday afternoon, the cybersecurity office at …
Local Flint Shortage Sparks Absolutely Nothing
“I was having a real tough time figuring out what to do without any flint,” said Susan Graves, “and then it struck me.”Photo By Julia Wong …
Joe Rogan Defends Controversial Interview with the Devil
After hearing a comment from Satan, Joe Rogan said, “Hey Jamie, can you pull a clip up of that guy burning in Hell?”Photo by Julia Wong …
Student with 300 Tabs Open Wonders Why Computer Is Slow
“It’s a little stuffy in here,” Milieu noted. “Let me open up a new window.”Photo by Maria Dhilla Fourth-year Ava Milieu has recently faced intense public …
