Local
Graduating Biology Student Pursues Ph.D., Excited to Have Stable Career by Late Fourties
UCSD student Sarah Rosenberg accepted her fate as a graduate student last Sunday during a brief moment of introspection that was squeezed in between finishing an …
Gaping Hole in Area Woman’s Fishnets Threatens to Expand to Her Butt Crack
Last Thursday night, local news vans crowded around the perimeter of Athena Minral’s apartment after a rumor centered on the current structural integrity of her leg-wear. …
Chick-fil-A Launches New Campaign of Human Sacrifice, Profits Remain Unchanged
In what many consumers considered a distasteful choice, Chick-fil-A has recently launched a new campaign: for every 100 chicken sandwiches sold, the company will donate $1 …
Fountain of Youth Revealed to Be Forever 21
The Forever 21 in the La Jolla University Town Center was recently discovered by locals to be the coveted Fountain of Youth. The regional manager, Cheryl …
Local 34-Year-Old Couch Potato Decides To Take Up Snowboarding
Following the 2018 Winter Olympics medal ceremony in which American teenagers Chloe Kim and Red Gerard earned gold medals in snowboarding, average couch potato Eaton McDonald …
Obsessive Anime Fan Claims Waifu as Dependent, Goes Unnoticed by IRS
Recently, a post from Reddit has gone viral in which a man tells the story of how he claimed his “waifu” – Asuna Yuuki from Sword …
March Madness Renamed March Happiness
On February 24th this past year, the National Collegiate Athletic Association renamed its annual basketball tournament “March Happiness” instead of “March Madness” in an attempt to …
Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Bottle of Vodka
Local retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this …
Biologist Lands Terrible Job, Still Relieved He’s Not an Artist
Last week, Herb Gardner, a recently-graduated biology student, finally concluded his several-month job search, having found work as a low-level assistant at a humble nursery in …
Manic Pixie Dream Girl Chosen to Be New Movie Lead
Last Sunday, October 29, famous director Garrold Scottgard announced his decision to cast Burgundy Jennson in a completely unwanted live-action version of the popular anime and …
