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UCs Banned from Asking About Race, Find New Measures of Student Affluence

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As per California Proposition 209, the 2016-2017 incoming freshman class will be the 20th UC class to have been accepted independent of their race, sex, or …

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Student Body Finds D’lush Offensive and Vile, A.S. Burns Price Center to Ground

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After hearing several complaints from the student body about the negative effects of D’lush’s mediocre lunch specials on campus and after a heated debate, several A.S. …

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Study Confirms Raccoons Not Microwave Safe

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Recent research by undergraduate students has confirmed a curious radiobiological phenomenon. “It has long been theorized that microwaving raccoons is a bad idea, but our research …

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UC Review Finds Most Male Faculty not Predators, Just Predator Enablers

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An internal review of faculty behavior at the University of California, Berkeley, has concluded that the vast majority of male faculty and administrators do not sexually …

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Groundhog Sees Blood Red Shadow, Ushers In Six Weeks of the Apocalypse

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A large gathering of people witnessed the blood red shadow of a groundhog, on Feb. 2, 2016, which they believe prophesizes “the end of days.” Feb. …

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UCSD Student Looks Up Freaky Porn On School Wi-Fi Chancellor Khosla Sent to Give Him “The Talk”

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Last Saturday night, a student from Sixth college was caught using ResNet to view pornography that has been described by various sources as “revolting,” “disturbing,” and …

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UCSD Requires Integrity Tutorial, Pre-Med Students More Cutthroat Than Ever

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Incoming UCSD freshmen and transfers were surprised in October when they received an email requiring that they complete an “academic integrity tutorial.” Upon opening the email, …

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Freshman Attempts Fresh Start, Grows Shitty Beard

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Freshman John Puckett announced five weeks ago his decision to grow a beard, despite desperate pleas from friends and family not to. Puckett said he reached …

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Freshman’s First Bus Ride Leads To Self Realization as Navigator, Woman

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Freshman chemical engineering major Heather Turley sees herself as a renewed, independent adult of the post-Nixon era after catching the 201 bus from campus to La …

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Student Helps to Fight Drought, Continues to Not Shower

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Local hero Brian Mulligan announced on Facebook last Wednesday that he is giving up his personal hygiene in order to combat the severe drought in California. …