Before the hammer was swung, Krohner reportedly cried out, “Stop! Uhh, don’t you think a wrench would work better?”
Photo by Sharon Roth
Fourth-year Marshall student Tamara Krohner has admitted to researching how to injure herself in an attempt to exempt herself from military drafting in the wake of Iran’s missile volley on Al Assad Air Base.
Krohner, apparently unaware that female US citizens are not subject to drafting, expressed her worry while opening a new tab on homemade anaesthesia and closing a different tab on pain receptors. “I was supposed to be taking it easy this quarter and find a job that will pay me enough so I can be debt-free by 2034, but all this talk about a nuclear war might make my dreams impossible. I even find myself unable to suppress all thoughts of an inescapable, numb adulthood filled with regret and perceived missed chances, which might be even worse.” She went on to hypothesize, “I mean, if I die, it might mean I won’t be in debt anymore, but I’d rather be slowly killed through chronic exhaustion than be quickly killed by a gun. Call me a philosopher, but I don’t mind taking the road less travelled by.”
Krohner found out about the conflict through a Facebook comment thread originally focused on used textbooks, and admits to some confusion about the finer details. “I’m not sure why Ireland would attack the American cultural center in Iraqistan, but that won’t stop me from trying to order a bonesaw on Amazon, or looking into grad schools far away from any potential nuclear blast zones. I tried to sharpen the dining hall knives into usable weapons, but that didn’t work. Then I tried to order a hitman off the dark web, though I didn’t get very far. The hitman refused to take my dining dollars once they discovered the markets no longer sell Hydroflasks.”
“I’ve been looking into more homeopathic ideas, so my next choice is just ignoring my left leg until it goes away.” said Krohner. “One of my old roommates told me that it’s more likely that this world is a simulation than not, so I figure I could imagine my leg being nothing. Placebo, you know? If I think about it hard enough, it’ll have to happen. If that doesn’t work, I’m also trying to get scurvy so it’ll just fall off one day. College students don’t eat fruit anyway, so I’m halfway there!”
Krohner plans to try to get her friend Lauren Standton to“evansco” her bones away using “imagination and a little bit of magic,” as Standton owns all seven “Harry Potter” books in a box set. Krohner, however, says she’s the first to admit the plan is a long shot, as Standton was last seen fleeing UCSD on two Bird Scooters. “I’m pretty sure Lauren fled to Canada six months ago. I can’t be sure, though, she doesn’t go to class, I never see her, and she doesn’t reply to my texts, but that could just be a normal bout of existential ennui paralysing her from making choices regarding the immediate future. We’ve all been there. In Canada, she could escape both the crippling burdens of college life and the impending doom of another World War, so it’s a win-win.”
Krohner could not be reached for further comment, though sources claim she was walking to the beach with a bucket of fish heads while practicing her shark calls.
Former Editor-in-Chief. Like an ouroboros, her jokes consume themselves until no one knows whether they were ever funny. But they are.
