Campus Squirrels Outraged After Hearing About No Nut November


Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

Nibbles was reportedly distraught at how nuts the situation was.
Photo by Jack Yang

Area squirrels Nibbles and Chipper are furious after being told about the phenomenon known as No Nut November. “Nut is all I eat, you tryna kill me or something?” said Nibbles, requesting his words not be taken out of context.

The duo was first told of the “timeless tradition” by fellow squirrel Sandy: “Nut you shall not, for this month November is sacred. Nut shall not be consumed, nut shall be saved, for when December comes, thou will desire nut more than ever.” UCSD students typically report November as the month they see the least amount of squirrels, a result of No Nut November. “Squirrels are known to hibernate until the holiday season actually begins,” said Kristine Delgado, professor of Zoology. “Usually their hibernation ends the first week of December, so y’all can stop saying Christmas starts the day after Halloween.”

Some off-campus squirrels expressed concern when they heard of the phenomena. “It’s not like I can just go to my local 64 Degrees compost bin and pick up some nut-free food,” said Scrat, who currently resides in the Claremont area. “It’s already hard enough for me to commute all the way to UCSD to meet up with my friends, you expect me to try and go without nuts for a whole month?”

Other squirrels were also unamused by the concept, with one saying, “Even if I get three strikes I can’t go the whole month with only two nuts. Ya know, a squirrel has his needs,” said Skippy. “Like seriously? Who can go a whole month without Nutflix, I gotta binge a new show every week.” Nibbles and Chipper reportedly attempted the challenge, however, in struggling to find food the first week, the two began working at Roots as they offer “nut-free” options. “It’s not that bad, but I would never willingly come here to eat.”

Scrat reportedly purchased Community Dining Dollars, but he encountered an error when attempting to purchase them. An HDH spokesperson reached out to Scrat, apologizing for the failed transaction. The email reportedly read: “Mr. Scrat, I’m sorry for you being unable to complete your transaction. This was the first time anyone has ever tried to buy Community Dining Dollars, we didn’t expect anyone would ever want to spend real money on our food. We appreciate your purchase, and we hope you are satisfied with your nut-free options.”

Nibbles and Chipper were able to make it through the month, however once December began, they were reportedly eating as many nuts as they could. Delgado expressed concern upon hearing this stating, “This kind of diet can’t be good for their children. Actually wait, I just remembered: squirrels don’t have children, they always swallow the nut.”

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