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Hydroflasks Recalled, College Students Enter Withdrawal

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Panlelo told reporters, “How am I going to stay awake during class if there’s no Hydro Flasks dropping every 15 minutes?”
Photo by Sharon Roth

On October 15, Hydro Flask released an announcement that they were officially recalling their water bottles from all across the United States. The company has ordered all previously-sold flasks to be returned to one of the “Hydro stations,” set up by the company in order to make the recall process smooth. The news reached UCSD students the following day, and brought about an uproar of student protests across campus.

“It was honestly the most shocking news I have ever heard. When I sat down after my POLI 30 discussion and turned on the TV, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Some news anchor was telling me that I had to return Chad? My baby blue flask that I walked all the way to Roger’s to get? I wouldn’t get the glorious pleasure of carrying my hydrating beverage to class everyday, in colors ranging across the rainbow and more? I said ‘speak no more you televised devil,’ and turned off the TV to get a few reps at Rimac,” Marshall student Derrick Somson told reporters. “Like, I spent half of my freshman dining dollars on those boys, I am not going to let them go so easy!” An analysis revealed that Somson’s Hydro Flask was plastered with “roughly $2,500 in stickers.”

More students came out to speak on their feelings regarding the epidemic. “Wednesday’s classes just weren’t the same,” Warren student Christine Panlelo said, holding a safety blanket around herself outside SHS, “like there was no high pitched, loud banging to break up the monotony of class. I ended up missing the clicker question because of it! Like Hydro Flask doesn’t even know what they are causing by recalling the hydros; they are making me fail my classes by even more than before!” The interview was cut short due to Panlelo’s sobbing.

“We have set up a few therapy fluffie sessions specific to students suffering withdrawal and a local town hall to talk about the next steps our campus should take to heal after this terrible disaster.” When asked how the school was going to combat this epidemic, SHA student Paul Waden told reporters, “As of right now, the school’s main focus is to make sure the students are getting the help they need. We are taking steps to meet these demands, one of these steps being selling plastic water bottles — for only five dollars.”

Chancellor Khosla has yet to speak on the epidemic, causing even more of an uproar throughout the student body. “What did they think was going to happen? That students, who literally live on the concept of having our hydros always with us, were just going to sit by idly and let them take our hydros back?” asked Mary Gennor outside the Mandeville protest, holding a sign saying ‘HYDRATE OR DIEDRATE’ and raising her flask in the air. “Once the word was out, we had to hit the streets. We had to let people know that we would not give up our Hydros without a fight.”

Social/Publicity Ottoman at The MQ

Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.

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