Sage Cristal
New Study Advocates for Two Hours of Exorcising a Day
In a recent effort to cut down on child obesity, researchers at UC San Diego and UCLA spearheaded a campaign to teach healthy habits early on …
Baskin Robbins Accidentally Creates 32nd Flavor, Immediately Destroys It
The internet is buzzing after the Baskin Robbins CEO, Nigel Travis, confirmed the momentary existence of a 32nd ice cream flavor. Travis alerted reporters Sunday evening …
Study Finds You’re All a Bunch of Snot-Nosed Hobgoblins
This grammatically correct and scientifically factual address goes out to all the illiterate punks in CHEM 40A. Before I reveal the findings of this week-long experiment, …
“TIME” Names “Tasty” Videos as Person of the Year, Called “The Voice of a Generation”
Last Wednesday, “TIME” Magazine named Buzzfeed’s “Tasty” page as “Person of the Year,” two months before “TIME” typically announces their winner. “Every year, we bestow the …
Trump Solves Opioid Problem, Won’t Share the Oxycodone
Just two weeks after the president declared the opioid crisis, a “serious problem the likes of which we have never had,” Trump commissioned the U.S. Attorney’s …
The Wiggles Found to Be Implicated in Dissolution of the Soviet Union
On December 26, 1991 the people of the former Soviet Republics rejoiced at their newly acknowledged independence with the official dissolution of the Soviet Union. On …
FBI Begins New Director Selection Process Inspired by Shark Tank
On May 9, President Trump made the controversial decision to fire FBI Director James Comey, who had initiated an investigation on the extent of Russian involvement …
Conservatives Boycott Snow White Due to “Seven Sinful Dwarves”
Conservatives across the nation are launching a mass boycott against a remake of the Disney film “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” declaring, “We are outraged …
Area Man Asked to Watch Area Woman’s Stuff, Leaves
Intensely clutching a backpack to her chest, area student Angie Coronado seemed to be in a state of distress while telling reporters that last Friday that …
Creator of EpiPen Raises Price to One Human Soul
Since 2009, the price of the EpiPen has inflated nearly 500 percent due to Mylan, the producer of EpiPens, overcharging the government and taking advantage of …
