“Imagine this, but Edward Snowden,” said a candidate for FBI Director. “I’d like $200,000.”
Photo by: Lawrence Lee
On May 9, President Trump made the controversial decision to fire FBI Director James Comey, who had initiated an investigation on the extent of Russian involvement in the 2016 presidential election. Comey, previously a registered Republican but now a self-identified independent, had been FBI director since 2013. In an effort to quickly find a new director, the Trump administration hastily chose to format their selection process as a Shark Tank-style assessment, a decision to which many Americans have reportedly responded with a collective “I’m out.”
This choice of assessment may have come about as a result of President Trump’s fondness for the structured reality television program Shark Tank, as well as his passion for monopolistic capitalism. Shark Tank’s synopsis states that the show “allows budding entrepreneurs to bring their dreams to
fruition,” while Trump has described his process for choosing the new FBI Director as “a fun way to drain the swamp of nasty old crocodiles like Comey.”
Following the firing of Comey, the Trump administration sent out a statement that asserted that there was high interest for the newly open position. However, within 24 hours, three of the six contenders expressed that they had “absolutely no interest” in the position.
Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn, one of the three potential candidates who rejected the opportunity to run, added, “Are you out of your damn mind? I’d rather serve as Senator with Ted Cruz again than work in Donny’s administration. And anyone who has met Ted Cruz knows he has terrible B.O.”
The three remaining candidates vying for the position of FBI director have been asked to create presentations on the various investigations that they would pursue in particular. These presentations will be pitched in front of a panel of “investors” hand-selected by the President. Following the pitch, the panel of investors (featuring Vice President Mike Pence, Secretary Rex Tillerson, and Senator Jeff “Mr. Blunderful” Sessions) will bid against one another to purchase the candidate as their personal investigator/foot stool. Candidates who do not wow the judges will “be fed to the sharks, and will serve as their main source of nutrition for the entirety of Trump’s presidential term.”
The remaining contestants include the interim acting director of the FBI
Andrew McCabe, who accepted $675,000 from the Democratic National Committee while he was one of the lead investigators of the Hillary Clinton email scandal. Another contender is Judge Michael J. Garcia, whose claim to fame was investigating possible corruption within the Federation Internationale de Football Association (FIFA), and then resigning immediately after for leading a corrupt investigation. The final contender is the former assistant attorney general for the criminal division of the U.S. Department of Justice, Alice Fisher, who was once caught scandalously drinking milk directly from the jug.
Despite lacking experience and morals, the candidates seem to be excited for their upcoming presentations with the Sharks, and President Trump just seems to be ecstatic to have created yet another reality show.
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