December 6, 2023 Time traveling since 2088. Volume XXX Issue III


Creator of EpiPen Raises Price to One Human Soul

Written by: Sage Cristal

“Don’t worry honey, it’s not much longer. Daddy’s gonna win you an unobstructed airway,” said John Vera with a pair of fours in his hand.
Photo by: Hannah Rosenblatt

Since 2009, the price of the EpiPen has inflated nearly 500 percent due to Mylan, the producer of EpiPens, overcharging the government and taking advantage of Medicaid’s rebate program. Due to Mylan’s abuse of this system, the EpiPen may have cost the government a minimum of 80 million dollars. As if these price hikes are not enough, Mylan’s CEO Heather Bresch recently called a press conference in which she announced another price hike that raised the price to approximately one human soul.

“Due to the recent congressional hearings I have been required to attend,” Bresch said in a statement to reporters, “I have missed momentous events that would have resulted in the expansion of my personal wealth and esteem. As a result, I feel it is only fair to raise the price on the infernal gadget that put me in court in the first place.” Bresch continued to list the various events that she claims would have made her “richer than Scrooge McDuck,” including yacht casino nights, the estate sales of David Bowie and Muhammad Ali, and Friday night bridge games with “the gals.”

Bresch announced that, as of November 1, a standard two-pack of EpiPens will cost one human soul for those who are on Medicaid and three human souls for those who are not covered. Bresch also made it exceedingly clear that any non-human soul would not be accepted as payment for EpiPens.

Jessie Coolidge, a semi-practicing physician in the La Jolla area, stated that she believes Bresch is altering the price on EpiPens for reasons other than monetary greed.

“This is the first time in over a decade that a medication manufacturer has forced customers to pay one human soul for their pharmaceuticals,” said Coolidge. “It is my understanding, as well as the assumption of my colleagues, that Bresch has made a deal with the devil and must barter the various allergy-afflicted souls she procures in order to secure her own soul.”

In the days following Bresch’s staggering announcement, there has been a monumental backlash from EpiPen users, many of whom have resorted to protesting local dispensaries like CVS, Rite-Aid, and the pharmacy section of Costco. However, the price hike on EpiPens has not had a noticeable impact on sales. Abraham Jones, an EpiPen customer who frequently undergoes severe anaphylactic shock, was outraged by the rising price of EpiPens, but admitted that he would continue to purchase them.

“I am really allergic to bees,” said Jones. “I’m like, deathly allergic. And I’ll be damned if I die to an obese, taxi-colored bug. I’d rather spend eternity buffing the callouses out of Satan’s feet than die to a bumblebee.

“That being said, I don’t currently have Medicaid, so if you know two people that don’t really need their souls, or two people that sign documents without reading the fine print, please call me.”

Fairy Godmother at The MQ

Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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