The Wiggles Found to Be Implicated in Dissolution of the Soviet Union

Written by: Sage Cristal

Archaeologists also unearthed a few different-colored turtleneck sweaters, lending further insight into Soviet Union-era fashion.
Photo by: Matthew McMahon

On December 26, 1991 the people of the former Soviet Republics rejoiced at their newly acknowledged independence with the official dissolution of the Soviet Union. On that same date in Sydney, Australia, a children’s music group called The Wiggles had their debut performance at a daycare facility for a dozen adoring fans. These occurrences were viewed as separate, unrelated events by the general public — until now.

Last Monday, a group of paleontologists from the University of California, Berkeley went on an excursion to the Australian Broadcasting Company (ABC) studio in search for Australian dinosaur remains. To their surprise, the group unearthed an even greater discovery.

“When we broke through the topsoil we saw what looked like a VHS tape. After carefully dusting it off we could clearly make out the words ‘Hot Potato’ and what appeared to say ‘Hoop-Dee-Doo It’s a Wiggly Party,’” said Paula Mendoza, the chief paleontologist. “It was absolutely riveting, so you couldn’t stop there! It was lunch time, but I decided that my egg salad sandwich could wait; history was unfolding right in front of my eyes!

“We began digging frantically, and were able to uncover manifestos on the Cold War, as well as the secession plans of all 15 states of the Soviet Union,” said Mendoza. She then related that her team found nine manifestos that were signed by the individual members of The Wiggles, as well as their manager. Mendoza held up one of the manifestos, titled “Cutting Off the Head of the Soviet Union, and the Shoulders, Knees, and Toes,” and told reporters, “This specific manifesto explicitly lists at least a third of the Soviet nuclear missile launch codes from 1991. It’s very impressive, but the question still stands: Why were The Wiggles hell bent on the dissolution of the Soviet Union?”

This question has dominated historical discourse ever since these artifacts were unearthed. Arnold Dale, a professor of history at Cornell University, believes that Greg Page, the infamous yellow Wiggle, had ties to Boris Yeltsin, Russia’s first democratically elected president.

“Boris declared Russia’s independence of the Soviet Union in 1991,” said Dale. “This may seem trivial, but he won 57 percent of the popular vote that year. If you start to dissect that number, you can see the connection.

“During the 2011 recession The Wiggles earned $28 million. In the span of their career, The Wiggles sold 23 million DVDs and 7 million CDs. The rest is simple math: 28 plus 23 plus seven equals 58. And if you subtract one for the number of female Wiggles in existence, you get the number 57.

“Now, you may be unsure of how Greg Page is The Wiggles’ tie to Boris Yeltsin. That’s because you have never seen pictures of them side-by-side,” said Dale, holding up two headshots that appeared to be of Greg Page and Boris Yeltsin. “The resemblance is uncanny. They are obviously brothers who were separated at birth, or one of them is the other’s estranged father. Or maybe even both … ”

Due to the overwhelming amount of physical evidence unearthed by historians, it is safe to say that The Wiggles were not only an integral part of the group that broke up the Soviet Union, but their influence may be able to be seen in other countries.

“My research students are looking at the potential connection between The Wiggles and the Irish Potato Famine of the mid-1800s,” said Dale. “We are very optimistic that we can find a link and then milk it for all the research grants we could ever dream of!”

Fairy Godmother at The MQ

Sage Cristal is the woman of your dreams. She sings, she dances, and has a WWE Championship Replica Title Belt. She is currently training to be the next American Ninja Warrior.

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