Volume 30
Student with ‘Infectious Respiratory Pink eye’ reportedly Studying at Geisel
In a developing story this week, student Whoopi Ngcough was reported by one bystander to sound like she was “literally coughing up, like, chunks” as she …
I Need Coding Help vs What, Like It’s Hard?
A person’s ability to learn a new language declines after age 12, so why am I, in my early 20s, expected to learn and become fluent …
CIA ‘Operation Dirty Talk’ Uncovered
Leaked internal CIA documents have shed light on Operation Dirty Talk, an ongoing joint venture with phone sex call center Masturline aimed at extracting secrets from …
Ursa Missing: The Case of the Stolen Statue
Hello, reader. I know my reputation as a world-famous literary detective precedes me. But, I will condescend to say that this week, I, Detective Sebastian Stone, …
The MQ’s Spring Break
We know how you feel after Winter Quarter — destroyed, defeated, and delirious. We only have 168 hours to feel better before Spring Quarter starts, so …
Coca-Cola Unveils New Ad Campaign to Kill the Polar Bears
“Be the climate change you want to see in the world,” said Chief Marketing Officer Klymat Chang.Photo by Amit Roth Beverage giant Coca-Cola announced in a …
HDH Enacts Quarterly Speed Dating Trials
“The incessant buzzing of the fluorescent lights really sets the mood,” said one student.Photo by James Woolley For the past two quarters, UC San Diego Housing, …
