Volume 27
I’m Just So Tired About the State of America… vs. Nothing a Bit of Retail Therapy Won’t Fix!
Point: I’m Just So Tired About the State of America… It seems like this year keeps getting worse and worse. I feel like I’ve never been …
“Men Are Just Funnier,” Claims Man After Saying a Woman’s Joke, But Louder
When asked where he gets his material, Ackerson said, “I dunno, it just kinda comes to me.”Photo by Jack Yang A workspace dispute escalated at a local …
Republican Party Thrown Without Safety Measures, Several Students Expelled
Republican Party Thrown Without Safety Measures, Several Students Expelled Several COVID cases have recently been traced to a party thrown by UCSD College Republicans, leading to …
MQCTOBER CALENDAR
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to anyone but that one guy you know who uses RedBull instead of water when making coffee. It is a dimension as vast as your ignorance about how big space really is, and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, Sixth college and Seventh, between STEM majors and Humanities majors (science and superstition), and it lies between the pit of your greatest nightmares (having to take a full year of zoom classes), and the summit of your knowledge (knowing it might last longer than that). It is … THE TWILIGHT ZOOM
Spider Ready to Make Giant Web in Your Living Room Disappointed Your Family Didn’t Go on Vacation This Summer
“Uh … let me be clear,” said Barachnid Obama, “We need to get this family out.”Photo by Jack Yang Local spider Barachnid Obama, in a recent “Charlotte’s …
D.C. Billionaire Pays $750 Dollars in Income Tax
D.C. Billionaire Pays $750 Dollars in Income Tax A recent report unveiled that an anonymous billionaire in Washington D.C. paid a total of $750 dollars in …
Florida Man Goes Inside for the First Time in Months
When asked about his pet alligator, Florida Man remarked, “Gator? I hardly know her!”Photo by Andrew Sitko The subject of many reporters’ interest and psychologists’ bafflement, Florida …
Girl With Imposter Syndrome Undergoes Startling Transformation
Girl With Imposter Syndrome Undergoes Startling Transformation Alexandra Dumonte awoke last Tuesday morning to find that her face and body had changed “into someone she completely …
Ringing In Area Woman’s Ears Found to be Tinnitus, not Klaxons Signaling the End of Days
The doctor asked whether payment through mail was okay, to which Jiao responded, “Nothing gets through my chainmail.”Photo by Jack Yang Area woman Sabrina Jiao was shocked …
Christian Man Once Again Asserts “Judeo”-Christian Values
Christian Man Once Again Asserts “Judeo”-Christian Values In an attempt to assert his faith during a discussion about the “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” debate, local …
