Florida Man Goes Inside for the First Time in Months


Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

When asked about his pet alligator, Florida Man remarked, “Gator? I hardly know her!”
Photo by Andrew Sitko

The subject of many reporters’ interest and psychologists’ bafflement, Florida Man was sighted again last Tuesday, but this time at a more inconspicuous location: in his home, watching the season finale of “Survivor.” Neighbors later noted he was passed out on his sofa with a melting carton of Ben and Jerry’s “Tonight Dough.”

Florida Man first gained notoriety after he legally changed his first name to Florida and last name to Man on a dare by his drinking buddies. Since then, he has lived up to the name, regularly performing “crazy antics” that have gained nationwide coverage. He was last seen streaking at a protest to reopen the economy in early April near Washington Mall. According to another protestor, self-proclaimed anti-vaxxer Bryan Cashe, Florida Man “just wanted more beer. That guy was an absolute lunatic and was probably already drunk. I don’t think he has any common sense left. The damn millennials and government overreach are ruining this country.” Cashe further expressed his full support for the second amendment, before walking away. He declined further questions in favor of joining chants of “Give me liberty or give me COVID!”

Sources say that this was not Florida Man’s only performance this year. Florida Man was also spotted at Miami beaches in July. Beachgoers claimed he was riding an alligator along the shore and drinking seawater. One observer mentioned, “He was sunburned redder than an embarrassed Republican who has just realized that keeping beaches open may have been a poor decision for public image.” However, such public Florida Man sightings are predicted to decline once states began lifting stay at home orders and allowing nonessential businesses to reopen. In a recent press conference, local police admitted the furthest they project Florida Man will be venturing is down the street for illegal cannabis. Fox News correspondent Saara Sutton offered one theory on Florida Man’s reclusiveness. “I suspect other people are doing his job for him nowadays. He can finally rest—I mean, he’s kept us busy for years. Perhaps the most radical thing he could do was stay at home.”

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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