Spider Ready to Make Giant Web in Your Living Room Disappointed Your Family Didn’t Go on Vacation This Summer

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

“Uh … let me be clear,” said Barachnid Obama, “We need to get this family out.”
Photo by Jack Yang

Local spider Barachnid Obama, in a recent “Charlotte’s Web-style” web message, expressed disappointment that families in his suburban hometown did not leave for vacation this summer due to the COVID-19 pandemic. “Usually, this whole neighborhood becomes my turf. When the Jacksons go to some European country to binge eat pastries, I binge eat flies. When the Lius go visit their extended family, the Muscidae animal family visits my stomach. When the Websters go to their Summer home … well, I usually try to hitch a ride with them because the Websters know how to vacay. But anyway, you get the gist.”

After his summer plans were interrupted, Barachnid created several webs displaying messages to the home-bound families. Among these were pleas to support the currently struggling tourism industry and reopen travel agencies. “Barachnid made a pretty good case to reopen Cryosleep salons in California, actually,” said one web message recipient. Another commented: “His penmanship is extraordinary. I’ve never seen someone so elegantly spell out ‘fuck you’ in silk.”

Barachnid reportedly originally planned to carry out his normal web plans despite the continued presence of human residents, but residents halted construction. “Usually, I get a real doozy of a web spread over the Johnsons’ living room. It’s hilarious when they come back and get freaked out every year. But this year, I got one strand of it done and little Jacob Johnson went and ran into it, and now all the Johnsons know me. These annoying humans halted travel for their stupid pandemic, but apparently Amazon can deliver electric bug swatters with one day shipping just fine.”

Several of Barachnid’s spider compatriots had similar reactions to the pandemic. “There must be a better solution. I can’t just sit in the corner of this basement until that human disease dies down. I’m honestly thinking of just saying screw it and going into the master bedroom — the paradise for all spiders. I know I could die, but that hasn’t stopped many humans this summer!” says Daddy Longleonard, another local spider. “To keep sane in the meantime, I’ve started communicating with Barachnid through a very large web spanning from my basement to his attic. It feels like you’re in the clouds when you’re at the top!” Spiders in the area refer to the web’s size as “worldwide.”

“I just want some peace and quiet!” agreed Tara Antula, a black widow. “I can’t cannibalize my husband now! Not with the Deacons watching! They have a three-year-old; I don’t want to traumatize him into being a sociopath like I did with Jimmy!” Four-year-old Jimmy Deacon made headlines last year when he reportedly watched Antula devour a previous mate, then attempted to do the same to a girl at his preschool. Antula found a new mate since then, but the Deacons have still not found a new preschool to accept Jimmy.

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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