Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Christian Man Once Again Asserts “Judeo”-Christian Values

In an attempt to assert his faith during a discussion about the “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” debate, local Christian Steven Gilmour pointed to the destruction of “Judeo-Christian values.” Gilmour was quickly corrected by his peers, who informed him that Jewish people do not, in fact, celebrate Christmas. When the conversation moved on to abortion, Gilmour learned many Jewish people do not actually share his pro-life beliefs, which he had long held as a central aspect of Abrahamic religious tradition. “I had no idea Jewish people didn’t share my opinions,” Gilmour claimed. “I just assumed since we believe in the same god, we must have the same ethical system.”

He was also stunned to learn that some practicing Jews actually still eat kosher and observe the Sabbath. “I was always told those Old Testament beliefs were backwards and obsolete. Doesn’t it say a man shouldn’t lie with a woman?” he reiterated, pointing to his well worn Bible and notes made on a sermon given to him by the one person in his church who had studied it in the original Hebrew.

Gilmour reached his breaking point when confronted with the Jewish New Year, or Rosh Hashanah. “Wait, what do you mean it’s 5781? It’s 2020! We changed it to ‘common era,’ isn’t that good enough for the PC police? I mean, we live in a Christian country! I guess so long as they’re not Muslim, it’s fine.”

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Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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