November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Republican Party Thrown Without Safety Measures, Several Students Expelled

Several COVID cases have recently been traced to a party thrown by UCSD College Republicans, leading to the expulsion of several students. The party was thrown without safety measures, as shown by several Instagram posts displaying a crowded room, attendants not wearing masks, and a general disdain for effective public health reform. Tommy Adams, a second-year student who attended the party, explained that the expulsion hit him by surprise. “How was I supposed to know that someone at that party had COVID? Not even the most reputable sources can decide what the right thing to do is anymore. Is it worth it to wear a mask if it crushes Americans’ freedom? Is it worth throwing money at some random disease control center or fund the glorious Wall? Can drinking bleach stop people from voting by mail? If you can’t blindly trust Donald Trump, who can you trust anymore?”

Another partygoer described a more positive experience with the current political climate. “That was a grand party. Like old times, truly,” recounted Bartholemew Wilson. “I found out about three new Facebook pages where I could post my memes about immigrants deserving detainment and forced hysterectomies. It’s a shame that some people got sick, but you know how this pandemic goes, a couple hundred thousand people gotta die, it happens.”

MQ Uncle's Roomate

Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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