Volume 22
Two Titans of UCSD Class Battle Over Reading Neither Understood
Rufus Dunmore and Elliot Sinclair, mountainous figures in Professor Glenmore’s EDS 138 class, squared off in class during a discussion. Their voices, charged with the confidence …
ERC Student Finds Plastic in Cafe Ventanas Food; Excited for Change of Pace
Last Wednesday, ERC sophomore Dylan Biggs was surprised and delighted to find a piece of plastic within his Chicken Noodle Soup while eating at Cafe Ventanas. …
ResNet to Install Dial-Up Modems in dorms
After a campus wide Internet shortage, ResNet promised to address all complaints by installing state-of-the-art dial-up modems. “This is a serious problem, despite what anyone would …
Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats
In order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials …
Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan
Office manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as …
U.N. Institutes Ethics Training, Solves All World Problems
In a sweeping gesture of global leadership, the United Nations General Assembly has unilaterally decreed that every single person in the world must now undergo an …
Actors In 50s “Too Young” to Play Opposite Women in 20s
Multiple actors in Hollywood have recently revealed that they were victims of ageism, being turned down for roles that were intended to be romantic opposites of …
Bacon Found to Cause Cancer, South Secedes
In a recent controversiaI decision, a panel of experts ruled that eating processed meats such as bacon raises one’s risk of developing cancer. As the announcement …
Donald Trump Tries Goody’s Burrito for First Time, Decides Mexican Immigrants Can Stay
Following Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased …
Area Man Shoots Down Drone, Declares Himself King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds
After shooting down a neighbor’s drone hovering 25 feet above the ground in his front yard, local electrician and recreational firearm enthusiast Boris Knotwood leveraged his …
