Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan

Written by: The MQ

Jeb later requested that his campaign slogan be changed to, “Why fix it? Why fix anything? We’re all going to die.”
Photo by: Trevor Malone

Office manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as his second this week. Bush — whose campaign slogan was recently changed by his campaign managers — can currently be heard sighing heavily from down the hall.

Bush, to the ever-increasing dismay of his staff, has reported in great detail a number of episodes of depression over recent months about the “slogan formerly known as ‘Jeb!’” While the rest of his staff have described themselves as having moved on, Bush noted some personal challenges with the process.

“The absence of ‘Jeb!’ in this office can only ever remind me of the grand folly of our human existence where all we love is inevitably taken from us,” the once chipper politician bellowed from the conference room.

Chavez originally presented the situation to employees as an opportunity for the presidential hopeful to appear more relatable and in-touch with the emotions of the everyday man. However, as it became clear that Bush was no closer to making peace with his new slogan, employees ceased treating it as “just a phase.” Office secretary Nick Brown said he has become resigned, noting that “The novelty of these episodes has really worn off, but the chilling despair is just as harrowing as ever.”

This morning’s onset of melancholy is thought to be caused by the viewing of a YouTube “Jeb 2016” campaign compilation that featured a clip of a marching parent holding a toddler wearing a onesie with “Jeb!” printed on it.

Campaign manager Danny Diaz explained that the new slogan “Jeb Can Fix It” was adopted after a vote in which Bush was defeated. Bush, disgruntled at the thought of abandoning the exclamatory “Jeb!” slogan, promptly decided to tattoo an “!” on his forearm.

Bush explained, “The ‘!’ serves as an ever-present reminder of that young boy I was just a few short months ago — a boy who found joy in the small things in life. If only I could regain that unadulterated appreciation for the everyday, or feel the simple, naive joy that that exclamation point once held for me.”

“We began re-evaluating the slogan after staff expressed concerns about being able to sustain the emotional energy required to convincingly exclaim ‘Jeb!’ for the remainder of the campaign cycle,” Diaz said. “As my daughter Kayley — recently elected seventh Grade Class President at Loyola Middle School — knows, you’ve got to keep your supporters happy for long the long haul, especially if you want to get the votes from Savannah’s lunch table.”

Diaz went on to say that “Jeb Can Fix It” just kind of “fell into place,” after a fortunate burst of inspiration from his daughter’s successful “Kayley Can Solve That” campaign. He also noted that a platform point of guaranteeing pizza and bottomless chocolate milk every Friday in the auditorium was in the works.

At press time, Jeb Bush was explaining to anyone within speaking distance that “Jeb Can Fix It” reminds him we’re all broken on the inside.

Written by: Katherine Wood

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