Volume 22 Issue 3


Greece Leaves E.U. to Return to Original Currency: Goats

Written by: Matt Olson

In order to escape economic hardship, Greece has decided to move away from conventional currencies by implementing a new monetary exchange system last Thursday. Greek officials …


Jeb Bush Mourns Loss of Innocence, Campaign Slogan

Written by: The MQ

Office manager Selena Chavez confirmed just minutes ago that presidential candidate Jeb Bush was once again in the middle of another “mood,” which she described as …


U.N. Institutes Ethics Training, Solves All World Problems

Written by: The MQ

In a sweeping gesture of global leadership, the United Nations General Assembly has unilaterally decreed that every single person in the world must now undergo an …


Actors In 50s “Too Young” to Play Opposite Women in 20s

Written by: Cole Greenbaun

Multiple actors in Hollywood have recently revealed that they were victims of ageism, being turned down for roles that were intended to be romantic opposites of …


Bacon Found to Cause Cancer, South Secedes

Written by: Daniel Clinton

In a recent controversiaI decision, a panel of experts ruled that eating processed meats such as bacon raises one’s risk of developing cancer. As the announcement …


Donald Trump Tries Goody’s Burrito for First Time, Decides Mexican Immigrants Can Stay

Written by: The MQ

Following Donald Trump’s visit to UCSD, the Republican front-runner and likely presidential candidate has decided to reverse his entire foreign policy because of a burrito purchased …


Area Man Shoots Down Drone, Declares Himself King of the Skies, Ruler of the Four Winds

Written by: Lawrence Lee

After shooting down a neighbor’s drone hovering 25 feet above the ground in his front yard, local electrician and recreational firearm enthusiast Boris Knotwood leveraged his …


Is It Just Me, or Is the Canadian Liberal Party’s Election Like the Quagga’s Extinction?

Written by: The MQ

Normally, I would not associate myself with the quintessentially leftist and subversive media. However, given the severity of the political climate of our northern neighbor, I …


Paid Family Leave Bill Passed After Cis Man Impregnated

Written by: Barak Tzori

Overwhelming majorities in both the House and the Senate passed an amendment to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 last month, requiring employers to …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Mitochondria Point/Counter Point

Written by: The MQ

Point: The Mitochondria Is, in Fact, Not the Powerhouse of the Cell After seeing so many test questions and textbooks reference such erroneous material like it’s …