Written by: The MQ

Normally, I would not associate myself with the quintessentially leftist and subversive media. However, given the severity of the political climate of our northern neighbor, I think it necessary for the various youths who frequently consume such literature to hear my passionate plea to heed the impending storm of liberalism that has just struck Canada. In light of the Canadian Liberal Party’s rise to power, I am reminded of an atrocity eerily similar in impact: the extinction of the quagga.

The quagga was a subspecies of zebra that roamed the plains of modern-day South Africa. It was indeed a curious-looking beast: I can best describe it as a marriage of zebra and horse, with a golden brown coat and a white underbelly. Something about the quagga just draws me to it… In any event, the creature roamed the plains until Dutch settlers came during the 19th century with their insatiable desire for land and quagga fur for their designer Ik-kan-geen-nederlands-sprekens coats and their Ik-ben-het-maken-van-deze-als-ik-ga-mee trousers. By the 1880s, they were extinct.

Can not you see? The parallels to the ails of our current predicament are stark in their portention. The quagga, in this case, is analogous to the nation that we Americans are proud to call home: a place where anybody can make it, lesser zebras and Ik-kan-geen-nederlands-sprekens owners alike. The hunters, the invaders from the north, are an accurate representation of the Canadian liberal bourgeoisie that has seized the country and are attempting to distort the proper role of their government. And as hunters, once they deplete the resources of their own territory, they will no doubt turn their eyes to bigger targets. Perhaps they will find allies in certain prominent American political figures who already threaten the noble quagga, representing our last hope of conservative rule.

Now, I propose a simple and effective remedy to this crisis that is two-fold. The first step is to better fortify the defensive capabilities of our border in curbing the spread of Canadian liberalism. Whereas lesser candidates would merely erect a wall, I propose the building of a vast army of laser-mounted moose. Furthermore, to allow the US to more effectively balance its budget, I suggest that said moose should be funded by Canada itself.

The second step in this remedy begins after the moose army fortifies its position along the border. Our engineers can design — also with Canadian subsidy — a catapult-like device that can propel Americans over the moose’s front lines. Now, why send loyal Americans into enemy territory? To imbed themselves within the Canadian populace, gain their confidence, and use their influence to deconstruct the new government from within. It would require the ultimate sacrifice on their part — to forfeit their lives to the horrors of universal health care, the assault upon their ears of an institutionalized non-English language, and the inhumanity of a cabinet in which women and men are represented in equal numbers. But their sacrifice will ensure the prevention of the cultural quandary of a world without the quagga — a world without America.

Written by: Dr. Ben Carson, Retired Neurosurgeon and Presidential Candidate

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