Paid Family Leave Bill Passed After Cis Man Impregnated

Overwhelming majorities in both the House and the Senate passed an amendment to the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 last month, requiring employers to provide their workers with job-protected, paid leave for qualifying family reasons. The President signed this bill into law after a cisgender Colorado man named Len Amato successfully became pregnant.

Thad Cochran, the senator who proposed the bill released a statement concerning its importance and timeliness earlier in the month.

“No longer shall good, hardworking men like Mr. Amato be worried about losing their jobs when it comes time to take care of the child they birthed all by themselves. With this bill, we as a nation finally move into the 21st century and begin taking care of a large, yet unsupported group in our society.”

Since the law’s passing, numerous reports and analyses have come forth trying to measure its success. Different reports state varying numbers, but most seem to settle on between 20 and 30 thousand pregnancy benefits claimed, all by women. It is this last fact that disoriented and distressed some proponents of the law.

“I’m confused and concerned,” alliterated Sen. Jeff Sessions. “I was sure men would take full advantage of this great service we’re providing them. It’s a sad day in America when full-grown men won’t tell their employers that they need a few weeks of pregnancy leave for fear of losing some respect among co-workers or a new promotion. And to that last point, personally I didn’t even know women could get pregnant. I’ll tell you what it is. They’re gaming the system.”

In light of the gross imbalance between the sexes in terms of which group is taking advantage of the law, legislators have come together once again and passed an addendum, one they hope will further incentivize cisgender men to step forward after a pregnancy.

“We’ve created an unprecedented coalition between business and government with this new addition,” beamed Cochran. “AT&T and Time Warner have agreed to provide free cable television for three months following a man’s pregnancy. Men across the nation now have the well-deserved luxury of being able to recover in comfort from the traumatic experience that is the circle of life.”

It is too soon to tell what concrete results this addendum has fostered, but early trends show a rise in benefits claimed, yet still not one case of a man using the law.

Sen. Sessions commented on the events, “I’m still bewildered and bothered. We’re doing everything we can to support these men in both their family lives and careers, yet they still seem to be choosing the latter. I’m going to propose later this week a new addendum, endorsing that with every pregnancy, a small stipend of money be sent to the postpartum man.

“But in all seriousness, where the hell are all these women getting children from? I swear the only logical explanation is that they sneak into infant wards at night and steal them, right from under the man’s nose. I can’t believe they would take advantage of the law like that.”

Amato’s midwife, the woman who helped deliver the first child born to a man, commented, “I thought journalists were supposed to be smarter than this; God are men dumb. You and your stupid senators are the reason I’m able to watch the Food Network with my newborn. No, no, let me ask you a question. What hole exactly would the child have come out of? Goddamn idiots.”