Written by: Daniel Clinton

Unsurprisingly, the BSA Congress’s constitution, much like their wigs, was bacon wrapped and baked at 350 degrees.
Photo by: Lauren Kirkbride

In a recent controversiaI decision, a panel of experts ruled that eating processed meats such as bacon raises one’s risk of developing cancer. As the announcement swept the nation, a state of emergency was called in breakfast diners nationwide.

Ann Marie, owner of Ann Marie’s Bacon Bar in Louisville, Kentucky remarked “First they come for our MSG, then they come for our Trans fats, and now they take our bacon. I don’t think I can keep fighting these atrocities alone,” as she crumpled into a ball, demonstrating preliminary symptoms of bacon withdraw.

North Carolinian pig farmer Davis Street was seen protesting the ruling in front of a vegetarian restaurant. “After [the decision], the demand for my pigs has plummeted. My farm is overrun with pigs trampling my petunias. I tried building a fence, but there was just so many of them that they used each other as stairs. I fear if action isn’t made soon they will unionize and demand petunia trampling benefits.”

Southern states most affected by the ruling moved fast to solve this abuse of power by Big Science. Initially they pushed for legislative change in the Bacon Protection Act. Though opposed by the massive Tofu lobby, the bill was quickly snubbed in the House by a 152-283 vote.

Left with few options, the southern states made a drastic choice to ensure their inalienable right to cancer-free bacon. The original eleven states that left the Union in 1861 plus Missouri and Kentucky succeeded again, forming a new nation claiming to be “founded under ham, the Bacon States of America.”

Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear commented, “I’m just glad we were able to be a part of this one. The great state of Kentucky had always felt left out since we missed the bus on the first secession.”

The main objective of the BSA (Bacon States of America) is to “Make science a more democratic process to allow multiple viewpoints to be kept in consideration when choosing what research really means.”

The first orders of business from the newly formed nation were to declare climate change a myth, fracking beneficial to the environment, and bacon an anticarcinogen. The declaration was made after a special ballot was held where voters were required to show their birth certificate, their 1040A tax forms, and proof that they never graduated high school to ensure accuracy.

Overnight the rampant bacon riots that once plagued research facilities and cost hundreds of lives were gone. The facilities parking lots were left eerily quiet as thousands of protesters went home, knowing a brighter future was secured by their actions. After observing this de-escalation, citizens of BSA were left asking how science could have been so reckless in its decision making.

Currently, the BSA is attempting to spread its national message to a global audience. International relations between the new country and the world have been tense after BSA president Mitch McConnell ordered bacon to be dropped by drone on the Middle East. “I don’t understand what the big deal is. This is how international relations should be handled. I hope the Obama administration is taking notes.”

“They did what?” blurted out White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest when asked for the White House’s stance on the debacle during a press briefing on Friday. “The United States does not condone the dropping of any foodstuffs on civilians.”

During a speech on Saturday, Mitch McConnell reiterated that their secession was purely based on bacon rights and not a response to the current prospects of the Republican presidential nominees.

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